Notes to Self

1. In case I can't find this again...

This is my piano pedigree. 

Sophelia Lee --> Sandra Wright Shen --> Ann Schein --> Arthur Rubinstein --> Karl Barth --> Franz Liszt --> Carl Czerny --> Ludwig Van Beethoven --> Joseph Haydn --> CPE Bach --> JS Bach

Alas, I am such a disgrace to this privileged lineage...

2. I promised Gradyl I'd write a book review of Fifty Shades of Grey. Yes, my stupefied friends--not only did I agree to read the book, I managed to finish the whole thing. A flurry of exams and papers are coming my way, so I don't expect to churn anything out anytime soon. Moreover, don't expect me to read the other two books in the trilogy--there's only so much of the insufferable, lip-biting Anastasia Steele and majorly-disturbed Christian Grey that I can take in a lifetime.

desire | déchiré

"You want what everybody wants.You want a love that consumes you. You want passion and adventure, and even a little danger..."

-- Damon, TVD 3x22

madly

"I follow in your shadow

I make a phone call

I become thrilled at the sound of your shaking breath

My heart runs after your increasingly quick steps

I think I’ll go crazy

The long night gets darker

Under the dead streetlamp in front of your house

I’m watching you through the crack in your window

Until the night ends

Come on and find me

You keep playing a suffocating game of hide-and-seek with me

You, you, you

You’re inseparable from me"

--"Going Crazy" by Song Ji Eun ft. Bang Yong Guk

This voice--husky, raspy, deep as a rumbling cello--is intoxicating. Entranced, I drown in a haze, swallowed by this lucid dream I can't claw my way out of. In the warm darkness, I allow myself to forget everything.

I wake up this morning before my alarm with a single thought already germinating my head. It's one that hasn't crossed my mind in a while, though it was a frequent visitor about four or five years ago.

What's the point of it all?

My addiction to this voice (or rather, His voice and anyone else's who reminds me of His--sorry BYG) is not simply a symptom of an affection-starved infliction. The parts of my fractured life are all tied together by this common thread. Under the depths of these songs, I am reminded of three things. One, is that no matter what kind of shitty jackasses I encounter, there are still 7 billion people on this planet, and one of them (whom I have never met) has the ability to calm me with merely the sound of his voice. Two, is that I don't believe that the prince miraculously happens upon the goose girl, the scullery maid, the diamond in the rough, outside of romance novels and fairy tales. The only way the girl can meet the prince on equal footing is if she rises to his status. Three, as I wonder what is the meaning of my existence, I come to the conclusion that if I want to make a meaningful contribution to this world and rise to a station of influence, the most probable method I foresee in my future is to write.

I must write.

orbitals

one -- Zero and I exchanged a few words for the first time since our last unfortunate encounter. it's been a month, hasn't it? nothing extraordinary happened, which is just the way I like it.

two -- the easiest way to forget, i have discovered, is quite simple. i spent most of yesterday afternoon re-reading all 27 volumes of Basara, one of my high school favorites. Shuri, why must such a fine specimen of male be confined in paper and ink? all the men milling about here with their cheap beer and khaki shorts pale in comparison to you, the Red King. men suck. i shall never get married -- i will instead adopt a red Shiba Inu puppy and name him Shuri.

I'm sooooo much better than those stinky male humans!

three -- O Badass One, forgive me but i can't stop listening to BYG's voice. he looks just as estrogen-pumped as the rest of them, but i confess that his husky voice eerily resembles yours. hurry up and produce a rap-singing rock-infused collaboration song in the vein of "Airplanes" (B.o.B./Haley Williams), "Love the Way You Lie" (Eminem/Rihanna), "Going Crazy" (Song Ji Eun/BYG) so i can put your rapping voice on replay without interruption.

cryogenic freeze

"The longer I stand here
The louder the silence
I know that you're gone but sometimes I swear that I hear
Your voice when the wind blows
So I talk to the shadows
Hoping you might be listening 'cause I want you to know"

-- "Words" by Skylar Grey

i woke up this morning, and it was as if autumn had eloped with summer and left winter to fend for itself. the landscape had turned to black and white overnight. the only things were left from summer were the photographs, digitized pixels that could be wiped from existence in an instant. i can't remember the last time i watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind but all i can think of is whether or not i would erase you the way Clementine erased Joel. i picture myself removing my internal organs one by one, and when the heart comes out in a wet gushing noise, i remember that one line from Closer. it really does look like fist wrapped in blood, but what the heart is clenching so tightly, i cannot tell. if i cryogenically freeze my insides, maybe then i won't need to feel anymore. i'll walk through life as a shell of flesh and bones, waiting until we meet again. we are Joel and Clementine of the Pacific, two strangers on a train. meet me in california -- she says. melt me. make me feel again. his head clears the way the clouds in a cup of coffee dissipate, and for a second the pixels realign in a flash, and he sees the last memory of her, waving goodbye in the pouring rain.

maybe then you will stop haunting me.