I didn't even realize the MTV Movie Awards happened yesterday until I checked my homepage and saw a bunch of hooplah about Kristen Stewart's safety pin dress (Sophelia-approved) and the fact that JT and Mila Kunis platonically groped each other on stage (not Sophelia-approved. Call me what you want, but that's not really not my type of humor, and I don't think it gets rid of any of those JTxMK hook-up rumors at all. But I'll concede that it was a great publicity stunt because I've just spent like two sentences talking about them, so OKAY I'M DONE.)
But besides the usual fashion round-up and tidbits of odd news, here's something exciting for us to chew on...
OMFG!!!!!11111
Wait. I did not do the trailer proper justice in conveying just how exciting this is. I'm going to have to enlist the help of Tangled's Flynn Rider.
YAY!!!!!!
You know what this means, guys? Only two more movies left, and the circus is over!! I'm not even going to try to pretend I'm going to be sad due to the void of Twilight jokes that will imminently arise, because (1) the jokes were getting old anyways and (2) OMG IT'S ALMOST OVER!!!
So whatchu waiting for? Press play!
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0:00-0:24 - Oh I forgot to mention... I've never actually read the fourth book. So why does the Volturi dude get an invitation? Didn't they try to kill our young (well, one relatively so) lovers? Was that in the second book? And why would he be so happy to get one anyway? He doesn't strike me as the type who'd keep cut-outs of bridal magazines and be all, "ZOMG GUYS, I LOVE WEDDINGS!"
0:26-0:28 - Bella's dad doesn't look too thrilled about his teenage daughter's impending nuptials.
0: 29-0:33 - Okay, am I the only one weirded out by the mother's reaction? The way she waves that invitation around in the air, it's like she got the golden ticket to Willy Wonka's factory. Speaking of which, this whole hullabaloo about the wedding invitation is pretty reminiscent of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
0:35-0:42 - LOLLL HAHAHAHAHAHA sorry Jacob aka Taylor Lautner, but if every guy reacted in rage by ripping off his shirt and running outside, I think this world might just be a better place.
0:51 - Here we go guys -- this generation's version of the Golden Ticket.
0:56-1:02 - Okay, this is when my creative analyst kicks in and I start wondering why they chose this epic-choir music for this trailer. Really now, this is the kind of epic music you use for heart-pounding, adrenaline-rushing Star Wars lightsaber duels and Lord of the Rings battles that determine the fate of Middle-earth, yeah? Yet from I can tell from this trailer so far, let's see... oh lookie here, we've got a wedding. I dunno, can't some romantic strumming of the guitar or a couple of violins do the trick?
Oh wait. Maybe it's for the impending heart-pounding, adrenaline-rushing wedding night scene where Bella and Edward engage in some rough and violent vampire kinkiness. Ah ouais, je comprends.
1:04 - "The event THAT WILL CHANGE EVERYTHING..." dun dun dun!!
1:07-1:10 - Aw, K-Stew looks gorgeous!!
1:16 - Creative Analyst is back. Okay, what is up with that statue? Was that in the book? A statue of Jesus Christ hovering over the love shack where Bella and Edward are heating things up? Is that supposed to symbolize divine judgment? I am so confused.
1:18-1:20 - HOLY SHIT WAS THAT EDWARD? Or was that Jacob in rage mode again? 'Cause if that were Edward, now I totally understand the need for epic music. He freaking crushed that windowsill like a grape.
1:21 - That should actually read, in dramatic ALL CAPS red letters and a background choir -- "CAN BELLA SURVIVE HER WEDDING NIGHT?"
1:24-1:25 - Oh look, kids -- waterfall sex!!
1:30-1:31 - Once again, this is probably another case of Sophelia-didn't-read-Breaking-Dawn-and-therefore-has-no-idea-what's-going-on, but... Jacob, why are you popping up here? Did you follow them to their secret honeymoon location? Were you secretly lurking behind that waterfall?
1:32-1:35 - R-Patz: YO MAN, WHY YOU CRASHING MY SEXYTIMES?? *megapunchhhhh*
1:37-1:45 - "That's impossible."
What's impossible? That you got pregnant? Bella honey, do you really want me to start getting all pseudoscientific about this?
I don't know why -- perhaps it's the lack of having anything to occupy my time with besides spending it with my significant other (read: Organic Chemistry II textbook), but I have become an avid reader of blogs. You thought I was a religious blog follower before? I practically have a list of ten or so blogs I check daily -- and I'm still searching for more, since not all of them update every day. My latest favorite is http://www.foreveryoungadult.com, a blog written by adults who love reading YA. I don't really follow it so much for the YA, but the hilariousness of the posts keep me laughing. I don't even remember how I first found the page -- all I know is that I clicked on a link somewhere and ended up on FYA's Twilight Drinking Game page...
Score One for FYA.
Today, I spent more than an hour reading all the Twilight tagged posts on FYA, featuring a hearty amount of sparkly vampire bashing -- which led me to a ton of other hilarious Twilight-bashing links. One of which listed 34 reasons why the New Moon movie is better than the book (which was probably actually only 30, given how many times they repeated Jacob's abs). This reason however, was one of my favorites:
“Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars –points of light and reason….And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by light. I couldn’t see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything.”
"The movie, thank god, dispenses with most speeches like this."
Stephenie Meyer? Could you come over and help me wipe the vomit off my keyboard? K thanks.
I don't know. Edward just doesn't do it for me. Neither does Jacob, despite his abs. And while I like to laugh at the expense of the Twi-hards like everyone else, you might say I'm hypocritical because I've had my own obsessions with fictional characters. So now I've decided to conveniently compile a list for y'all; R-Patz I'm looking at YOU. If you want to win over girls like me who are the epitome of cool, outside of the hormonal tween/teen demographic (though technically I'm still a teen, and in reality there are soccer moms out there who love you for reasons I cannot imagine), you need to learn from these five gentlemen I've picked out to teach you a lesson on how to be a swoon-worthy male lead, and not some sick and abusive sparkly popsicle.
NOTE: To simplify things, I only considered characters from books and did not consider any Disney characters. That would have been a different list entirely. And also, this list is entirely subjective (based on characters I've had crushes on in my nineteen years of life) and was created while I was half paying attention in class today. So please feel free to drop any names if I've forgotten anybody swoonworthy -- though chances are, if I didn't add famous names like Rhett Butler, Heathcliff, or Rochester, chances are I haven't read the book or I read it too long ago to remember the character very well.
ALSO: I am not including pictures because these guys look fifty times better in my head than any picture you might find on the Internet. Yes, allow me to remain blissfully delusional.
FINALLY: Before you all go apeshit (yes! I've been dying to use that word! AHEM.. anyways...) on me about why I haven't included Darcy, here's why -- I've never been attracted to him at all. He is infinitely better than Bingley, who is spineless puppet, but I still think Sophelia + Darcy would be a Bad Romance with a GAGA OOH LALA. Ahem. And now, without further ado:
Sophelia's Top Five: Swoon-worthy Literary Male Leads
5. Prince Charmont from Ella Enchanted
Intro: Char and I first met when I was a fourth grader doing a book report, and my mother made me read this book by Gail Carson Levine that she'd bought from the school book orders. (GOD I loved those things! They need like a college edition or something.) Never really liked princes until I came across Char, which I suppose is evidence that I really am a girl which makes him my obligatory prince crush to cover up the fact that I never had a crush on any of the Disney princes as a kid.
The Hook: Okay, being a prince is part of it. But not only that, Char is kind and thoughtful and chivalrous without acting patronizing and misogynistic. How many guys do you know will give you a centaur as a gift the second time you meet him? Not only that, he'd totally appreciate my whacked out sense of humor. Not only would we slide down banisters together in his royal palace, he'd probably laugh at all my stupid jokes.
What Edward Could Learn From Him: Dear sir, if you are so strongly attracted to a girl, there is no need to do stupid things like leave her mysteriously and then let her get all suicidal and psycho and then when you mistakenly believe she's dead, you threaten to commit suicide by revealing your sparkling glory to the world. Char loved Ella right from the start, and he never left a doubt about it. Girls like me can't stand flirting games with all those rules about signaling or playing hard to get and whatnot -- we are too oblivious for that sort of crap, so don't pull an Edward and start flipping out when we sit next to you in Biology.
4. Laurie from Little Women
Intro: Oh, Laurie. I threw a fit when Jo rejected your marriage proposal, and then I threw an even bigger fit when you went ahead and married Amy. Honestly, if I get to write a sequel to Little Women, ignoring the fact that Louisa May Alcott has already written one, I'm going to maroon you and Jo on a secluded tropical island where you two engage in a clandestine extramarital love affair filled with epic adventures such as staging wickedly awesome plays starring the island natives. I don't care much for Fritz, and Amy can go bugger off. (Really, I don't know if I could ever forgive someone who throws my unfinished novel in a fire... even if she were my sister.)
The Hook: Laurie would be a blast to hang out with. He'd act out all the stupid stories I write, and we'd have the time of our lives coming up with crazy things to do. Besides, did you know Christian Bale played him in the 1994 movie version? As in, He-Who-Has-One-of-My-Favorite-Voices-Ever Christian Bale? Sa-woooon.
What Edward Could Learn From Him: Gee Edward, how would we spend our down time together? Gazing lustfully at each other in the forest? I can't keep up with vampire baseball when all you guys are ridiculously athletic, and I don't think you watching me sleep every night counts as quality time together. Find some hobbies, dude. 3. Wes Baker from The Truth About Forever
Intro: Since high school, I've read my fair share of Sarah Dessen books, but Wes takes the cake -- hands down. Though I liked Dexter's personality, for some reason I never pictured him as particularly physically attractive in my mind, and I wasn't fond of Owen's patronizing views on music at all. Not only is Wes supposed to be ridiculously gorgeous (with a badass tattoo!), more importantly he is artistic, understanding, and patient, and get this -- he can totally relate to the female lead, Macy.
The Hook: Honestly, what more do I need to say other than the fact that he is the original SA-WOON? Not only that, I completely respect this honorable guy -- not only does he break-up with his girlfriend before trying to start anything with Macy, he also doesn't act like a complete asshole after Macy rejects him and instead chooses Jason, who is the most ridiculously pathetic and clueless boyfriend in literary existence -- by that point, I wanted to smack Macy upside on the head and steal Wes for myself. HELLO? JASON OVER THE ORIGINAL SA-WOON? WOMAN, ARE YOU MAD? If I were Wes, I'd probably spiral into depression wondering how in the world I lost to that pansy.
What Edward Could Learn from Him: Despite the fact that Wes is supposed to be undeniably gorgeous, that's not what makes him the Original Sa-woon in the hearts of many. Wes is empathetic. That scene when he holds Macy in the hospital when she breaks down after she remembers how her father died? Classic. All those scenes where Wes and Macy talk openly about their secrets to each other through the Truth game? Even better. How much do you really know about Bella? How many times have you two actually sat down and had a heart-to-heart without you telling her she's your morphine, your lamb, your blah blah blah? If you REALLY knew her, you would have known she'd gone apeshit (YES!) after you broke up with her -- because she apparently literally cannot function without you.
2. Ren Honjo from Nana
Intro: Okay, so I kind of stretched things a bit by considering Nana as a book. But really, how can I not include Ren? Discovering Nana and consequently Ren was probably one of the highlights of my high school experience. Where do you think I got the idea of Rhys from, huh? Not only that, I-who-never-cry-for-fictional-characters was on the brink of crying when Ren died. Say what?
The Hook: First of all, in general I like guys with short hair. Even if Takumi hadn't been a Grade A asshole, I would have never been able to get past the hair. Secondly, I love all things badass (coughT.O.P.cough), and if Ren existed in real life, I'd have a hard time picking between a champion of badassery between T.O.P. and Ren. I love T.O.P.'s voice, but Ren and the guitar? Oh lord. And sure, Ren and Nana's love for each other is bordering on psychotic possessiveness, but you still have to admire the guy who is still so madly in love with a girl he hasn't seen or heard from in years. Think about it -- a rock star of Ren's caliber would be surrounded by adoring fans and fawning groupies and beautiful celebrities -- and he still remained infatuated with the girl he left behind when he went to pursue his dreams? That is IMPRESSIVE, good sir.
What Edward Could Learn from Him: Want to be dark and badass? Take some notes on this guy.
1. Gilbert Blythe from Anne of Green Gables Intro: I loved Anne Shirley. She was funny, imaginative, and smart; I wanted to be her best friend. So the fact that Gilbert Blythe is my favorite character in the book means you can imagine just how supremely awesome and godlike he is to be able to top Anne Shirley. Gilbert has been, and always will be, my number one literary crush.
The Hook: Oh lord, I could sing praises for this guy all day. Not only is Gilbert handsome (tall, dark hair, gray eyes) and smart (he and Anne were always vying to be the top of the class) and maybe even a little cocky at first, he is so genuine. He makes the mistake of calling Anne "Carrots" on the first day and gets a slate broken over his head, but instead of denying any wrong doing (well, maybe not at first), he really tries to be make amends with Anne. That scene where her boat sinks and Gilbert rescues her? Oh, you have no idea how badly I wanted to chuck the wooden panels of the rotting boat at her when she refused Gilbert's request to give up old grudges and be friends. And have I mentioned that he's selfless? Gilbert gave up a teaching job that was closer to home and recommended Anne to the employers, so that she could take care of Marilla without having to give up Green Gables. AND he's a doctor? WHERE ARE ALL THE GILBERT BLYTHES IN THIS WORLD? Or, more importantly: WHERE'S MINE?
What Edward Could Learn From Him: Edward, if you could dye your hair black, wear grey color contacts, and be smart and accomplished AND treat your girl as your intellectual and social equal, then you might actually have a chance to be on my Top Five, but there's no way in hell you're getting anywhere near Gilbert.
Oh dear. This list took longer than I expected. Honorable Mentions include Dickon from The Secret Garden, Mr. Knightley from Emma, and George Cooper from The Song of the Lioness quartet.
Hello, good friends. I know I've been neglecting this blog quite a bit, but considering how my GPA seems to be rutted in an unending downward slide, blogging and writing have clearly taken a backseat -- no, trunk seat -- in my priorities.
Having said that, I'm still going to most likely waste a good deal of time writing this post.
Sophelia's Weekly Five, Edition IV
1. Spring Awakening = Awesomesauce
Yeah, we're pretty fly.
In spite of the fact that there is literally nothing to do in Durham, I am actually quite pleased with the fact that DPAC is close enough to the university that quite often the university actually buys the tickets for us to watch shows at DPAC. And so, just last week yours truly had the opportunity to attend the opening night of Spring Awakening at DPAC without paying a penny (... okay, ignore the 50k tuition bill).
Unlike the time I went to watch Phantom of the Opera at DPAC, when I the PotO maniac knew the lyrics to every song, I had the vaguest of expectations for Spring Awakening. The first time I ever heard of Spring Awakening, my good friend Astrid mentioned she was going to watch the performance by the all-boys high school in our area and she wondered aloud how in the world they were going to pull off the sex scene.
Well. So all I knew to expect was a sex scene. Of course, that really doesn't clear up anything either. You start asking yourself questions: how graphic is it going to be? Is it going to be vulgar? Artsy, with fancy lighting and shadows? Or as TA-DA! as Daniel Radcliffe reveling in his nude self in Equus (which I have not actually seen and am not exactly dying to do so)? While I enjoy watching musicals, I wasn't exactly jittery with excitement about this one -- unlike Phantom of the Opera or Wicked, I had no idea what the storyline was.
Well, I changed my mind the moment the schoolboys leapt off their chairs singing "The Bitch of Living", as pictured in the photo I have conveniently posted above. See that guy doing the air-splits on the right? Moritz was the definition of awesome possum. In the show I saw, he was played by this guy who is actually facebook friends with this girl from my high school (... yeah, I did a little facebook-stalking. You be quiet.) I wish I'd seen the original Broadway cast, just to see how how much better they could top off the cast I saw. Most of Moritz's songs were very rock-and-roll, and Moritz pulled it off with plenty off energy and swagger. It was brilliant. The leads were great as well. Melchior was played by Jake Epstein, who M was very excited to see because apparently he was pretty important in Degrassi (which I never watched and thus was indifferent about).
I have to admit that Spring Awakening was one of those plays I didn't really become that crazy about until I started listening to the soundtrack for hours nonstop as I studied for organic chemistry. Honestly, I like this musical a lot better than Wicked. I can listen to every single song on the soundtrack without skipping past; I can't say the same for Wicked -- I can listen to "Popular", "Defying Gravity", "Dancing Through Life", "I'm Not That Girl", "No Good Deed", "As Long as You're Mine", and "What is this Feeling" -- and pretty much everything else I just skip over instantly. I guess part of the reason is that Wicked is a very traditional kind of musical with the kind of saccharine "lesson-on-morality" flavor that I can't get used to, whereas Spring Awakening is rather dark and angry yet youthful and whimsical, ranging between haunting lyrical pieces and the explosive rock-and-roll numbers. My favorites? I'll listen to all of them, but I'm particularly fond of "The Dark I Know Well" (which is a rather disturbing one about sexual abuse), "Those You've Known", "Touch Me", "Totally Fucked", and pretty much everything where Moritz rocks it ("The Bitch of Living", "And Then There Were None", "Don't Do Sadness/Blue Wind"). The best scene, in my opinion, is the scene where Hanschen (if you've ever wondered what Malfoy would be like if he were gay, meet Hanschen) seduces Ernst with one of the best lines -- "Me? I'm like a pussycat. I just skim off the cream."
So what exactly is this play about? To sum it up in one word, Sex. But it's really more than that. It's about that liminal moment in a teenager's life where everything's changing, when you really realize the "bitch of living."
(Oh, and if you're wondering about the aforementioned sex scene, my seat was so high up on the balcony that I can't really give you any insight about how graphic it really was.)
2. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
So I included a little excerpt of this lovely book about a year ago without having even read the book. I chuckled a polite little "Ha-ha" at the scene where Mrs. Long gets her head cracked like a walnut and then made no attempt to acquire an entire copy of the book. For one thing, I liked Pride and Prejudice perfectly fine without the zombies (which, on the contrary, I have never been crazy about), and secondly, having picked at the book's carcass for AP Lit to the point that I could name the estates and corresponding salaries of each character gave me no desire to revisit the novel -- even if it did have zombies thrown into the mix.
By chance, this book happened to be sitting in the New Book section of the public library last Sunday (my first day home for Spring Break), and so I decided to give it a try. It turned out to be much more amusing than I expected. While I wouldn't exactly hail it as a work of literary acclaim, it is quite interesting to see how Grahame-Smith weaves the zombie-ninja element throughout Austen's prose. Sometimes it works (e.g. Lady Catherine and her ninja cadre; Darcy's proposal and Elizabeth's hilariously violent reaction); sometimes it doesn't (e.g. Charlotte Lucas' ultimate fate). Besides, the ninja element is rather empowering for the female characters, such as the Bennet sisters and Lady Catherine, who are much better at zombie-fighting than say, Mr. Bingley or Wickham (whose fate at the hands of Mr. Darcy was much to my liking). If you're one of those purists who are horrified by the heathen mangling of Jane Austen's classic, then you'd best stay away. However, if you have a guilty fondness for good parodies (like yours truly), then this is your cup of tea. And now, to conclude by enticing you with some quotes from the book:
"Elizabeth and Darcy merely looked at one another in awkward silence, until the latter reached both arms around her. She was frozen -- "What does he mean to do?" she thought. But his intentions were respectable, for Darcy merely meant to retrieve his Brown Bess, which Elizabeth had affixed to her back during her walk. She remembered the lead ammunition in her pocket and offered it to him. 'Your balls, Mr. Darcy?' He reached out and closed her hand around them, and offered, 'They belong to you, Miss Bennet.'" "Elizabeth sheathed her sword, knelt behind him, and strangled him to death with his own large bowel."
"'Have your ninjas left you?' 'We never had any ninjas.' 'No ninjas! How was that possible? Five daughters brought up at home without any ninjas! I never heard of such a thing. Your mother must have been quite a slave to your safety.' Elizabeth could hardly help smiling as she assured her that had not been the case."
Speaking of parodies...
3. Nightlight
So I accompanied my mother to Barnes and Noble yesterday to buy Godiva chocolate for my tennis coach, and this book happened to catch my eye as I walked past the humongous stand of Twilight merchandise (because face it -- that's where B&N get most of their revenue from these days). I didn't get a chance to skim through it, but I managed to find an excerpt online that is too long for me to post here. However, I have to say I found the excerpt a little lackluster. Judging from critiques that have been floating around the Internet, the parody is amusing for awhile but quickly becomes just another shitty book. For your enjoyment, however, I will include this excerpt from the scene where Belle Goose first sets eyes on Edwart Mullen:
"It was then that I saw him. He was sitting at a table all by himself, not even eating. He had an entire tray of baked potatoes in front of him and still he did not touch a single one. How could a human have his pick of baked potatoes and resist them all? Even odder, he hadn't noticed me, Belle Goose, future Academy Award winner.
A computer sat before him on the table. He stared intently at the screen, narrowing his eyes into slits and concentrating those slits on the screen as if the only thing that mattered to him was physically dominating that screen. He was muscular, like a man who could pin you up against the wall as easily as a poster, yet lean, like a man who would rather cradle you in his arms. He had reddish, blonde-brown hair that was groomed heterosexually. He looked older than the other boys in the room - maybe not as old as God or my father, but certainly a viable replacement. Imagine if you took every woman's idea of a hot guy and averaged it out into one man. This was that man."
From what I've gathered reading around online, the basic premise is that Belle Goose is a ditzy, vampire-obsessed teenager who is convinced that the computer geek at school is a vampire and thus, she harasses him to make her his undead wife. I considered using my B&N gift card on this, but I think I'll wait for a better book to catch my eye. There's a much more hilarious Twilight parody here -- if this guy ever publishes it, I'd be much more willing to spend my gift card on this. With a synopsis like this, who wouldn't?
"In a sentence, this is a story about Bonita Ingénue a 15-year-old, misunderstood young woman who gets rescued from her provincial, boring life and whisked away to a fantastical world of exciting, sensual, magic and erotic, thick, penetrating whimsy. At the beginning of our tale, she leaves her hometown of Backstory, Massachusetts for the excitement and intrigue of Excitetrigue, Colorado. The kids at her new school are all impressed with how one dimensional and uninteresting she is and it’s only a matter of time before all of the popular boys ask her out on romantic dates in the hopes fingerblasting her. Even though Bonnie has her pick of the litter at school, she really has her heart set on Theo, the mysterious boy who lives just outside of town in Dragon Hills. Theo has feelings for Bonnie as well, but he also has a deep, dark secret. A deep, dark dragon secret. He is a dragon. Bonnie accepts Theo for who he is and Theo appreciates how unobtrusive and malleable Bonnie is. Together, and against the wishes of Bonnie’s parents, they get into some pretty graphic dragon-fucking, and it’s a little bit weird, but beautiful if you just open your mind. Eventually Theo has to leave the town (I forget why) and Bonnie goes along with him and abandons her family (because if there’s anything Twilight tell us, it’s that chicks love sitting passively on the sidelines while violent, mysterious men make absolutely every important decision for them). There’s maybe a hunt at some point but otherwise most of the tail end of the book is more aggressive dragonhumping as Bonnie and Theo live out their days in Theo’s tower, blissfully unaware of the outside world as they enjoy a life that’s all sweat, asses and wings. You’ve heard of fire-breathing dragons, well, Theo is a desire-breathing dragon. (He also breathes fire.)"
4. Speaking of Twilight...
This was out a while ago, but I thought this was pretty fitting for those of you who hadn't seen this yet. I have to say, that first shot of Andy Samberg was fineeeee.
5. Alice in Wonderland
No, I have not watched this yet. But I have been following its production for nearly a year. You shall hear of my verdict after Friday... and most likely even later, depending on if I ever get around blogging again after this monstrous post. Critiques have been blah-blah-ing about this one, but Tim Burton is still king in my book regardless.
Alright. Hope that was a massive enough post to satisfy you all while I disappear until summer vacation. (Ha-ha! Yeah right, you blogging addict!)
Continuing with this recent Disney theme of mine, it occurred to me the other day that I have never been attracted to any of the Disney princes. It's not as if I'm one of those people who think finding fictional characters attractive is just plain weird -- I assure you, I am just insane as every other teenage girl (excluding the Edward Cullen fans, who must be of an entirely different human subspecies doomed to extinction because they will never find mates who meet their expectations). I've wished that Gilbert Blythe of Anne of Green Gables lived in my neighborhood, and I was depressed when Ren Honjo of Nana died in a car accident. Call me weird, but at least I don't call myself Mrs. Cullen or do stuff like this on Youtube:
So why am I not attracted to any of these dashing defenders of chivalry? Let's analyze each of the Disney Princes to find out. And just to keep things simple, I'm sticking with humans and legitimate royalty (sorry Shang -- I don't care what Disney says. Mulan is not a princess).
(Inspired by this very interesting article, but with my own brand of sarcastic/cynical commentary: http://www.retrojunk.com/details_articles/2397/)
Prince Charming #1
Does anyone else think he needs a rhinoplasty?
Pros: I've already ranted on and on about this guy in my last post. The only positive thing I can say is, if you like a man of mystery, this is your guy -- because we learn absolutely nothing about this guy during all 83 minutes of the movie. Cons: Refer to the previous post for a very thorough thrashing.
Relationship with women: This guy has serious mental issues. He meets a beautiful scullery maid, sings to her for about a minute, and then disappears for the next 70 minutes until he conveniently stumbles across the girl lying in a glass coffin months later and kisses her "corpse." And plus, has anyone noticed how open-ended the ending is? The only that suggests that he weds Snow White is the rosy picture of the castle in the background as they make their way towards the sunset. For all we know, he could have taken her off to some distant cave and do what mammals in heat do on the Discovery Channel.
Companions: The stereotypical white horse. Just as nameless and boring as its master. Final Verdict: This is the most boring man of mystery I have ever come across, not to mention that he seriously needs to see a psychiatrist. Pronto.
Prince Charming #2 With a name like Charming, he's certainly got a lot of expectations to live up to.
Pros: This is the guy who makes sure he gets what he wants. What do you do when the girl of your dreams runs away from you and leaves only a shoe behind? You send the duke to go door-to-door and try the shoe onto every single lady in the kingdom! Duh!
Cons: It's certainly telling how despite the fact that he is a prince and his name is Charming, they still had to hold a ball so that he could meet some ladies. Can't say this guy is much better than his predecessor, in terms of actual lines in the movie or how much we actually know about him. I don't consider singing a duet called "So This is Love" an actual conversation, thank you very much. Relationship with Women: Clearly this is not a guy who pays attention to details. If I just met the girl of my dreams and she seems to enjoy my company as well, wouldn't it make sense to take the time to ask, "Hey, babe. What's yo name?" And what about his grand plan to find the girl? Did he ever stop to think that there might be other women in the kingdom who had the same shoe size? No. Or maybe he did, but just couldn't be bothered -- much in the same way he couldn't be bothered to look for the girl himself and sent someone else out to do the dirty (and smelly) work. Companions: None. No white horse, no cute animal friend, nothing. Ah, so it turns out we have a loner antisocial prince who has no friends and can't meet any girls. Parents, this is why you have to choose your kid's name carefully, or else you may completely obliterate his self-esteem. Final Verdict: Anyone notice how similar how the two above pictures are? That's a telling hint of my opinion on this chump.
Prince Phillip
... and that's 99 reasons why we should get it on -- now!
Good sir, what are you doing with your other hand?
Pros: Lucky guy. Betrothed when he was only eight years old, he didn't have to dive into the mucky dating pool or worry about whether he'd die a lonely, old, heirless king. Thus, he could devote his time to learning the art of conversation and actually hold a decent conversation with his lady love during the course of the movie. And when have you ever met a guy with such decisiveness? He's ready to end a sixteen-year-old engagement to the girl next door after singing and dancing with peasant girl for just a few minutes. Not to mention, this guy only needed a mere five minutes to slash his way through the forest of thorns, fend off Maleficent's attacks with his fire-retardant shield, and chuck his sword straight into Maleficent's heart. Now this is a man of action.
Cons: "But don't you remember? Why, we've met before: once upon a dream." Such a cringe-worthy pick-up line makes me wonder if we really need Disney princes who talk.
Relationship with Women: Finally! The first prince that actually does something besides sit pretty on his horse (not to mention, the first prince with a normal name)! This is the guy who will immediately end his relationship with the "other woman" just so he can pursue an honest relationship, the guy who will literally leap across chasms just for you.
Companions: Sampson is no ordinary white horse. This noble steed leaps across broken bridges, slides down cliffs, barrels toward a forest of thorns, dashes through green fire, and yet has to be bribed so that his master can go chase after a girl. Even a horse does more than either of the Prince Charmings ever will. Final Verdict: Because he's technically known his bride for sixteen years, Phillip is off the hook for his hasty courtship.
Prince Eric
It certainly takes a lot just for Eric to "get in the mood."
Pros: If you like the casual type of guy, this is your man. The only time when he looks remotely princely is when he's getting married. The rest of the time, he's romping around with his dog and tormenting his creaky old advisor. And if you're the sea-loving type of person, this is the guy who never seems to get off his ship, despite how close he is to the shore. (Why the heck is he sailing all the time anyway? Doesn't he have more princely duties to be doing? Like going into the forest and looking for damsels in distress to sing duets with?)
Cons: What in the world did he see in Vanessa/Ursula? Whereas Ariel never fails to look cute and perky, Vanessa's eyebrows seem to be tattooed in a V shape. "OMFG she's got the same voice as the girl who saved me lyfe!!" That's definitely not a good reason to get married.
Relationship with Women: Think about it. He has to be serenaded by a bunch of fish, bugs, birds, and a hermit crab just to feel like kissing a girl? Which didn't work anyway... but he didn't even bother to try again? This man has no initiative... either that, or he's gay. Companions: Max the scruffy sheepdog, an advisor who looks like he's about to kick the bucket, a crew of merry men, and the most psychotic chef in history. Period.
Final Verdict: This is definitely not your typical prince -- who else would forgo a sword and simply stab the villain with the prow of his ship?
Prince Adam (aka the Beast)
ME LIKE PRETTY THINGS!
It's kind of sad how he looked better when he resembled the Minotaur.
Pros: This is the first Disney prince who fits under the whole badass-jerk-with-a-heart-of-gold label you see so often in fictionpress stories. What other prince can fend off a pack of wolves with his bare hands? What other prince has a voice as deep and luscious as the Beast's? What other prince could fight off a champion hunter barehanded and would still show mercy on the villain who nearly killed him (nevermind that the idiot demonstrated his gratefulness by backstabbing him -- literally)? Cons: Picture this. You've just broken the spell on your true love. He's suddenly floating in the air and glowing like Edward Cullen in the Sahara Desert. You avert your eyes from the brilliance, and then TA-DA! Your prince looks even uglier in his human form! You see, my friends -- this is the enchantress' true test. How long will you stay married to a guy with an effeminate soprano voice -- even though his deep, resonating beastly voice was much of the reason why you fell in love with him in the first place? Relationship with Women: Okay, so he wasn't exactly a ladies' man at the beginning. He forces you to live in his palace for the rest of your life, and yet you can't go to the West Wing. He throws a temper tantrum and throws furniture at you when all you wanted to do was touch a silly old rose. Fortunately, his manners certainly improve. He knows how to pick out the perfect present and is willing to make changes -- just for you. Not bad, huh? Companions: Magical diningware and appliances make things so much more interesting at dinnertime. Speaking of which, did anyone notice that Belle barely ate anything in that whole "Be Our Guest" sequence? All the food dances away before she even has time to take a bite. Final Verdict: Everything the Beast had going for him went down the drain the instant he tossed back his wavy mane of hair to reveal his human self.
Aladdin Daddy, can I keep him? PLEASEEEEEE?
Pros: Not only is this guy able to outsmart and outrun the entire Agrabah police squad (what I don't understand is why they sent so many men after a thief who had only stolen a measly loaf of bread), he ends up giving it away to a hungry pair of children. Not to mention, this is the first Disney prince without a drop of royal blood in his veins, AND he defeated the villain by outsmarting him, unlike the Prince Charmings who did nothing yet claimed all the credit and Prince Phillip and Prince Adam, who both resorted to violence. Oh, did I mention that he actually sings a song that isn't a duet? Cons: Physically, he's probably the youngest and least manly-looking guy out of the bunch. Relationship with Women: What do you do when the one you've fallen at first sight for is a billion rungs higher up the social ladder than you? Naturally, the first thing you do is save her from the angry shopkeeper, help her evade the police squad, and take her back to your hideout where you offer her an apple you've stolen. Aladdin is certainly a charming fellow -- when he's not trying to pretend he's some rich, arrogant son of a sultan. Companions: A annoying, greedy monkey with a matching cap, a magic carpet with a personality, and of course, a hilarious genie voiced by Robin Williams. Automatically add 100 points. Final Verdict: Finally! A prince with a brain! Yawnnnn... and so, to conclude this very strange post, here are four slightly unnerving but nevertheless interesting pictures from the Disney Heroes gallery drawn by David Kawena. I would have liked to include all six of the featured princes, but as you already know, the Prince Charmings are so incredibly useless that David Kawena didn't even bother including them in his Disney Heroes collection.
Prince Phillip
Prince Eric
Prince Adam
Aladdin
As you may notice, the pictures get progressively more... uh... eyecatching as you move down the list. Visit his deviantart gallery if you're curious about the other portraits.
And yes, I feel slightly dirty when I look at the last two pictures. Geez, David Kawena... why did you have to draw it so... flamboyantly?? Anyways. So in conclusion, who is my favorite Disney Prince?
You called me for me, oh wise authoress?
This guy cracks me up. Especially the scene when he gets run over by bikers while he's singing.
Can anyone guess why I have a problem with Snow White and the Seven Dwarves?
I am under the impression that almost everyone is familiar with the Disney versions of fairytales and almost nobody is familiar with the original versions written by the Brothers Grimm and Hans Christian Andersen. Very few people are aware that the original Little Mermaid actually dies because she loves the prince too much to kill him; likewise, very few people know that in the original version of Snow White, the girl is only seven years old when her jealous stepmother orders to have her killed.
I mean, really? Hello, she's the effing queen! Why in the world would she be jealous of a seven-year-old?
Of course, Disney could not have their Snow White be a seven-year-old, because the idea of a grown prince whisking a little girl off into the sunset has all sorts of pedophilic implications. So while Disney gave her the body of a seventeen-year-old (though as you can see, she doesn't have much of a rack), her brain remained at the level of a seven-year-old.
So anyways, the film begins with the Queen, aka Vanity Incarnate, with her magic mirror. For a woman who cares so much about being the fairest one of all, she certainly doesn't dress like she cares. You would think she'd show a little more skin and dress a little sexier, so then maybe that nonexistent King and husband of hers would actually show up in the movie for even a second.
But I digress.
We all know what happens. The magic mirror tells the Queen, "Yes dear, you are getting old and now your stepdaughter is way hotter than you." And of course, the Queen is in denial and refuses to accept the fact that everybody grows old.
Then the scene cuts over to Snow White, dressed in rags and scrubbing the palace steps -- never mind that she looks like she hasn't worked a day in her life. As she refills her bucket in the well, she starts singing a rather repetitive song about how she's wishing for the one she loves to find her. Lo and behold, guess who shows up with the most perfect timing? By golly, it must be an authentic wishing well after all!
No, James Marsden is not Snow White's prince. As you can see, Prince Charming shows up a grand total of two times in the movie -- all he does is serenade Snow White for about a minute and then does his princely duty of kissing a sleeping girl -- which means I could not find a single picture of only Prince Charming on Google or Yahoo. Instead, a bunch of pictures of James Marsden popped up as an image result -- thus, I have chosen this fine picture instead. Very princely indeed.
Now, I really have a problem with this prince. For starters, what do we really know about this chump? Firstly, how do we even know he's a prince? Oh, okay -- the textual interlude tells us he's a prince. But how would Snow White know? All he does is sing an equally repetitive song:
One Song I have but one song One song Only for you
One heart Tenderly beating Ever entreating Constant and true
One love That has possessed me One love Thrilling me through
One song My heart keeps singing Of one love Only for you
I don't know, Prince Charming. It sounds to me as if you're trying to convince yourself that monogamy is the right way to go.
And that's it. We never learn his name, his zodiac sign, his kingdom, what kind of music he listens to, nothing. All we know is that this guy has a white horse and a deep baritone voice. And of course, Snow White falls head over heels for him in an instant -- but all she does is hide behind the window curtain and giggle.
Meanwhile, the Queen orders Humbert the huntsman (no joke! Wikipedia knows all) to murder Snow White and bring back her heart in a jewelry box.
Look! Even Humbert has a picture, unlike that silly prince!
Humbert must be the only decent human being in this story. The king is nonexistent and has no control over his psycho cannibal wife; the wife is a deranged female Narcissus; Snow White is a child trapped in a woman's body; the prince is a creeper. Leave it to Humbert to take pity on Snow White and tell her to run away. The Queen, unbeknown to her, dines on a pig heart for dinner instead.
I have to admit, I'm getting a little tired of summarizing this fairytale. So instead let's just skip the scary scene when Snow White runs into the forest, and let's cut straight to the dwarves.
Last summer, for my Writing class at Stanford, I researched fairytales and wrote my final paper on the discrepancies between the original fairytales and their Disney counterparts. There have been plenty of sexual interpretations in regards to the relationship between Snow White and the seven dwarves -- for instance, the ambiguous nature of Snow White's relationship with the dwarves is symbolic of her maturation and gradual sexual awakening -- but this isn't a scholarly post, so I don't feel the need to delve into all that juicy critical analysis. Feel free to look up that stuff yourself.
I've got nothing against the dwarves. All seven of them combined pretty much is the equivalent of the affectionate elderly grandfather who is an ex-Doc, sometimes grumpy, sometimes happy, sneezy, bashful, sleepy, and when old age kicks in, a little bit dopey. And I'm not sick enough to venture into all those perverted Snow White/seven dwarves jokes, so let's just move on, shall we?
Meanwhile, the Vanity Incarnate is spending time in front of her mirror again, and to her great surprise, she is not the fairest one of all, for Snow White is alive and well inside the dwarves' cottage! Instead of rationalizing reasonably with herself, "Hey, now that Snow White lives in the middle of the wilderness, no one will ever see her! She's as good as dead!" -- the Queen decides that her only option is to drink a potion that turns her into an ugly witch in order to trick Snow White into eating a poisonous apple.
Um... weren't you just obsessing over being the fairest one of all? Why would you purposely make yourself ugly and creepy looking? Everyone knows if you really want a teenage girl to eat an apple, you change yourself into this:
Anyways, clearly the Queen has no brains. So the ugly witch travels down to the cottage to visit her lovely stepdaughter. Snow White, who clearly has no brains either, welcomes the witch into the cottage and totally believes the witch's spiel about her magic "wishing apple." This girl would totally be clicking ads all over the Internet if she lived in today's world. And so, Snow White takes a bite and collapses, cueing all the storm clouds to suddenly hover over the forest and cause a thunderstorm.
Meanwhile, the dwarves have been alerted by the animals of the Queen's menancing advances towards Snow White, and the final showdown begins. Once again, we are shown that Snow White was not born with a brain, because the dwarves, who have never even met her stepmother before, instantly realize that the nasty old lady is the Queen. And so they chase the old hag up a cliff; the witch comes up with a clever plan about mowing down the dwarves with a boulder and starts cackling her head off when a lightning bolt strikes the edge of the cliff, causing the witch to tumble to her demise.
The dwarves, who cannot bear to bury Snow White, decide to keep her in a glass coffin where she will obviously still look very beautiful as she decomposes. Of course, this doesn't occur to the dwarves, and they don't suspect anything when Snow White continues to look exactly the same for two seasons and no foul odors begin to stink up the forest.
And then, guess who pops up for the second time in the movie?
Yum. And so the necrophiliac Prince returns on his white horse. Naturally, he walks over to the coffin and kisses the girl who has supposedly been dead for months, and then he bows his head in a gesture of grief.
But lo and behold, it is a magic wishing apple after all! Snow White flutters her eyelashes and awakes. Without a word, the prince picks up his new prize and, with the blessings of the animals and the dwarves, carries her off into the sunset on his white horse. And of course, they live happily ever after, and little girls everywhere begin to believe that being a damsel in distress is the right way to go.
Which I find incredibly misguided. Firstly, the Prince is hardly a hero in this story. You know who's the hero here? The thunderbolt that hit the cliff and indirectly killed the Queen. Score for Mother Nature. The dwarves set a bad example to parents who leave their children at home unattended, and I would hardly call kissing a girl while she's sleeping a heroic act.
Alright, I'm sure some people who love this story are probably pissed and accusing me of taking fairytales too seriously. But I do give credit where it's due, and I give credit to Snow White and the Seven Dwarves for being the first animated feature film from Disney and for paving the way to much better movies like Beauty and the Beast.
YAY!!!!!!
