Skyline changing
I can feel you there
On my shoulder
Breathing different air
Don't let me go now
We've got time
And all these walls I built up
Won't ease my mind
--"Noise" by Lastlings
I've been working on my resolution for 11 weeks. As a refresher, my goal was to wake up an hour earlier to write each day. I was doing pretty well until Daylight Savings happened mid-March and knocked my inner clock and momentum off kilter. But for the most part, I still have been able to carve out a little time each day to stew in Scrivener, even if it's not an entire hour as I'd originally planned.
This pattern of "trickle" writing a little each day is an interesting departure from what I used to, which I guess we could call "bolus" writing --- where I would sink in hours on a weekend submerged in a creative "zone" and then not write anything for weeks on end. There's a momentum with "trickle" writing that carries through each day that I haven't experienced before, even though I don't get the satisfaction of when you barf out a couple thousand words in a trance.
I can't remember if I've talked about this on here, but for the last couple years, I felt stuck in a rut. I was approaching 30 years old and acutely felt that the limitless possibilities of my early twenties had started shutting doors all around me. On one hand, where I am today --- a Hematology/Oncology fellow training in Los Angeles -- was one dream I wasn't certain would be possible achieve. On the other hand, I had other visions for myself that never came to fruition.
I gave up on EP for a while. The faults seemed insurmountable. I started working on Med Rom-Com. During the early days of this year, by forcing myself to sit with Rigo and Elise a little each day, writing as a means of discovery, I realized I'd forgotten about the freedom of this part of the process. My spark of inspiration is closely associated with music --- I had an entire playlist for EP cultivated over the years -- so when I developed a playlist for Med Rom-Com, it was a good sign.
Then, at some point in March, something called me back to EP. It was the first time I'd looked at the project in over six months. And this time around, I saw something I hadn't consciously noticed before. I saw that at its core, EP was a preserved amber of who I was as a teenager. The cripplingly low self-confidence. The wish for someone to "see you" when you are introverted or haven't revealed your full potential. That was the thread that brought me back to Charlotte.
I've gone back to EP with a conscious attempt to filter out the bad thoughts that were plaguing me. I consciously remind myself that I'm going back to this project for myself---period, the end. Quite frankly, no one would give a shit and the world would continue turning if I never looked at EP again. This is for me--to be able to finally attain a level of satisfaction for something that is a distilled essence of who I used to be.
