2024 was a year where I knocked out a bunch of your classic "life milestones."
Ten years after I moved to New Orleans to start medical school, I have finally finished the end of my medical training and started my first job. After talking to one of my friends from fellowship who is in the midst of an agonizing job hunt, I feel very fortunate to have ended up with the job I have. I get to work with one of my close friends. I feel supported by the culture here. I'm still learning how to be an attending, but I don't feel like I'm drowning.
The Person and I bought a house. The cats love the space. And yes, plural -- we adopted a kitten this year as well. I am sitting on our new living room couch, typing on the laptop while the overhead ceiling speakers are playing Maneskin (I just started listening to them recently), and my life has definitely had an upgrade.
Oh, and the Person and I got married.
Those milestones I just listed -- it was a good year for my front-facing persona.
It was a dormant year for my shadow persona.
I've always thought of myself as two personas. Only a few people know the shadow, Sophelia. The dreamer, the vesper.
I barely wrote this year. I couldn't stick to a schedule. I didn't feel inspired. I stopped going to the Zoom writing sessions.
I used to feel like writing gave me my purpose. That I must write.
I don't know if I have totally teased apart what is going on in my head. Is it because I've lost confidence in my abilities and my stories? Is it because all the other things that were happening in my life crowded it out?
One of my patients is very sick. We all know that this was his last Christmas and New Year's. I've thought to myself before, if I knew right now that I had Stage IV cancer, what would I do? This is not out of the realm of possibility --- I have treated patients younger than me with incurable cancer. Would I feel I have lived a full life? Would I be weighed down with regrets?
I didn't make any concrete resolutions for 2024. I haven't made any for 2025 either. But I think that's what I am stewing over --- if I knew my time was running out, what would I do with the time I had left?
