Here Kitty

I'll smile today. I'll bite tomorrow.

I think this video is a pretty good indicator of my personality. I like my share of cute things. I love the little tail, clocking ninety wags a minute. And yet I watched the cat latch onto the puppy with horrified glee.

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I am aware that people like to be around happy people. Obviously, the same applies to myself.

My piano teacher, in particular, is the perfect example. Before I switched over to Sandra, I studied with Mr. _____. I will not comment on his teaching abilities, but regarding the teacher-student relationship, there was nothing, unless you count the weekly routine of me fuming inwardly while he would exaggerate my mistakes by banging on the keys. I cannot blame him for being strict and somewhat bitter, however. He barely survived working in a labor camp during the Cultural Revolution in China. And besides, although he may not have dedicated very much of his effort towards teaching me, I hardly put in the effort either. What we had was simply the symbiotic relationship of a student paying monthly tuition to a teacher so she would have something to complain about every week.

When I met Sandra, I was still Mr. ______'s student, but she taught me something I had never learned in the ten years I had been playing piano. The first time I met her, she was teaching a masterclass at a summer camp. Watching her masterclasses was like watching a comedy - she created stories from the music and would oftentimes share hilarious anecdotes of her experiences. She would laugh about her exhausting hiking attempts in Yosemite or strike a dead-on impression of a Russian pianist - but somehow, she would always connect them back to the music. For the first time, it occurred to me that playing piano could actually be fun.

I have been studying with Sandra for almost a year now, and what is most striking to me about her is her personality. I have never seen her act depressed or tired. Every time I walk into her studio, she always greets me warmly. She has that genuine smile where the eyes seem to smile along in uplifted crescents. I am not naive enough to think she must always behave this way, but when it comes to teaching her students, she always possesses an infectious cheerfulness.

I hit a phase at one point in my teenage years where I constantly felt depressed. I hated mornings. I saw them as another day to possibly screw up. I noticed everything wrong with my life, and I was always wishing I could be somebody else. Meeting Sandra became a turning point in my character. Once I saw how comfortable I could feel around someone so warm and cheerful, I realized how ridiculous I had been behaving. It may sound strange, but I love her, in a sister/mentor sense. She may not realize it, but I look up to her in many ways.

Is it possible to change someone's personality? That is the question I am trying to tackle with Charlotte in The Ecstasian Phantom. I have been making a conscious effort to be more optimistic and warm. When I get up in the morning, I look out my window and wonder what I can look forward to today. Although I do not regard piano with the same exuberant passion, I have gained a new self-confidence in my ability to write.

Paradoxically, I may sound morose and cynical in this blog. But the truth is, while I may be attempting a personality make-over, my affinity for darkly romantic pieces has hardly gone away. Optimism is unnatural for me. I feel the most comfortable when writing darker entries, and while my humorous side is slowly trying to break through its shell, I still look at the last entry I wrote, "Succbus," he says., and cackle with glee. Others may think I am bizarrely morbid, but I am proud to be that way.