Wanderlust

This picture will have nothing to do with what this post is about. I just thought this was a good picture of the guitarist of Radiohead, Jonny Greenwood.

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I have removed what I previously posted in this entry; it was far too personal in terms of family matters to be publicized.

Tomorrow I will be moving into Stanford, where I will be staying for eight weeks. I will have Internet access there, so hopefully I will be able to continue blogging and emailing on a regular basis.

Somehow I feel like I should be more excited about living at Stanford for most of my summer, but I'm not. I am trying to remember if this is how I felt last year when I spent ten days at Berkeley -- I don't think I was particularly excited either. Part of the reason may be because Stanford doesn't excite me. My mother got very angry when I compared Stanford to De Anza College, noting that they were both in very close proximity to where I live.

It is a given fact that nearly every ambitious Bay Area parent dreams that his/her kid will attend Stanford University, and my parents are no exceptions. I, however, regard Stanford rather hesitantly. Even if I manage to get accepted by Stanford (given the low acceptance rate of my school, I think the chances are not so great), I am certain I will have second thoughts. Part of the reason is the restlessness, the wanderlust I am feeling at this age. I have never been to the east coast; the only country I have visited outside of North America is Taiwan. The biggest turn-off about Stanford for me is that it is too close to home. I love the Bay Area, but I don't think I will ever be satisfied until I leave this place and see the rest of the country for myself.

At seventeen, this is the age when everyone bombards you with questions such as, "Where do you see yourself ten years from now." I feel it is being rather presumptuous to say what your future will be, as opposed to what you want your future to be. Therefore, the following will be all a matter of intangible figments.

I want a career where I can contribute to humanity. With my parents like mine, it is easy to announce to the world, "I'm going to be a doctor!" I am well aware of the incredible persistence and patience it takes to work through years of medical school and residency. I have doubts of whether or not I will be dedicated enough to pursue schooling when half of my friends have already graduated and gotten married. However, I do know that I would not be happy in business or law -- the ruthlessness and deception many jobs in these fields require are clearly not compatible with my character.

Despite those philosophers and writers who have decried the beastly nature of man, I am an optimist in this regard. In this sense, the reason medicine appeals to me is because of the compassion involved in such a career. I am not the type of person who would put down others intentionally to make myself feel better. Although some people mistake my shyness for coldness, I am generally friendly to everyone. Although I may strongly dislike certain people, I can say with certainty that I do not hate anybody.

I am sure somebody will bring up the point: Well, if you love writing so much, why don't you pursue it? Despite the typical parent response: An English major will get you nowhere! -- there is another reason why I don't think pursuing English is in my best interests. If I am forced to write, the quality of my writing tends to decrease. If I am entirely dependent on my writing in order to feed and clothe myself, I will likely face massive writer's blocks and start to dislike the thing that keeps me sane when I am stressed.

Like anyone else, sometimes I have those groundless dreams that will never come true unless incredible luck passes my way. I have thought amusedly to myself of writing a ground-breaking screenplay for an award-winning film, racking up the accolades as I bask in the presence of Hollywood glory. I have imagined writing a best-seller novel, my name becoming synonymous with Rowling and Meyers. But I am first and foremost a realist -- my aspirations are grounded in reality.

So here is what I would like to see in the future, realistically. I want to be a doctor -- not a researcher, but one that actually deals with patients face to face. As a hobby, I will write on the side, perhaps minor in English; I do want to publish someday.

I also hope I will meet somebody to love. It is harder to live when you're fighting alone.