So why am I not attracted to any of these dashing defenders of chivalry? Let's analyze each of the Disney Princes to find out. And just to keep things simple, I'm sticking with humans and legitimate royalty (sorry Shang -- I don't care what Disney says. Mulan is not a princess).
(Inspired by this very interesting article, but with my own brand of sarcastic/cynical commentary: http://www.retrojunk.com/details_articles/2397/)
Prince Charming #1
Does anyone else think he needs a rhinoplasty?
Pros: I've already ranted on and on about this guy in my last post. The only positive thing I can say is, if you like a man of mystery, this is your guy -- because we learn absolutely nothing about this guy during all 83 minutes of the movie.Cons: Refer to the previous post for a very thorough thrashing.
Relationship with women: This guy has serious mental issues. He meets a beautiful scullery maid, sings to her for about a minute, and then disappears for the next 70 minutes until he conveniently stumbles across the girl lying in a glass coffin months later and kisses her "corpse." And plus, has anyone noticed how open-ended the ending is? The only that suggests that he weds Snow White is the rosy picture of the castle in the background as they make their way towards the sunset. For all we know, he could have taken her off to some distant cave and do what mammals in heat do on the Discovery Channel.
Companions: The stereotypical white horse. Just as nameless and boring as its master.
Final Verdict: This is the most boring man of mystery I have ever come across, not to mention that he seriously needs to see a psychiatrist. Pronto.
Prince Charming #2
With a name like Charming, he's certainly got a lot of expectations to live up to.
With a name like Charming, he's certainly got a lot of expectations to live up to.Pros: This is the guy who makes sure he gets what he wants. What do you do when the girl of your dreams runs away from you and leaves only a shoe behind? You send the duke to go door-to-door and try the shoe onto every single lady in the kingdom! Duh!
Cons: It's certainly telling how despite the fact that he is a prince and his name is Charming, they still had to hold a ball so that he could meet some ladies. Can't say this guy is much better than his predecessor, in terms of actual lines in the movie or how much we actually know about him. I don't consider singing a duet called "So This is Love" an actual conversation, thank you very much.
Relationship with Women: Clearly this is not a guy who pays attention to details. If I just met the girl of my dreams and she seems to enjoy my company as well, wouldn't it make sense to take the time to ask, "Hey, babe. What's yo name?" And what about his grand plan to find the girl? Did he ever stop to think that there might be other women in the kingdom who had the same shoe size? No. Or maybe he did, but just couldn't be bothered -- much in the same way he couldn't be bothered to look for the girl himself and sent someone else out to do the dirty (and smelly) work.
Companions: None. No white horse, no cute animal friend, nothing. Ah, so it turns out we have a loner antisocial prince who has no friends and can't meet any girls. Parents, this is why you have to choose your kid's name carefully, or else you may completely obliterate his self-esteem.
Final Verdict: Anyone notice how similar how the two above pictures are? That's a telling hint of my opinion on this chump.
Prince Phillip
... and that's 99 reasons why we should get it on -- now!
Good sir, what are you doing with your other hand?
Pros: Lucky guy. Betrothed when he was only eight years old, he didn't have to dive into the mucky dating pool or worry about whether he'd die a lonely, old, heirless king. Thus, he could devote his time to learning the art of conversation and actually hold a decent conversation with his lady love during the course of the movie. And when have you ever met a guy with such decisiveness? He's ready to end a sixteen-year-old engagement to the girl next door after singing and dancing with peasant girl for just a few minutes. Not to mention, this guy only needed a mere five minutes to slash his way through the forest of thorns, fend off Maleficent's attacks with his fire-retardant shield, and chuck his sword straight into Maleficent's heart. Now this is a man of action.
Cons: "But don't you remember? Why, we've met before: once upon a dream." Such a cringe-worthy pick-up line makes me wonder if we really need Disney princes who talk.
Relationship with Women: Finally! The first prince that actually does something besides sit pretty on his horse (not to mention, the first prince with a normal name)! This is the guy who will immediately end his relationship with the "other woman" just so he can pursue an honest relationship, the guy who will literally leap across chasms just for you.
Companions: Sampson is no ordinary white horse. This noble steed leaps across broken bridges, slides down cliffs, barrels toward a forest of thorns, dashes through green fire, and yet has to be bribed so that his master can go chase after a girl. Even a horse does more than either of the Prince Charmings ever will.
Final Verdict: Because he's technically known his bride for sixteen years, Phillip is off the hook for his hasty courtship.
... and that's 99 reasons why we should get it on -- now!
Good sir, what are you doing with your other hand?Pros: Lucky guy. Betrothed when he was only eight years old, he didn't have to dive into the mucky dating pool or worry about whether he'd die a lonely, old, heirless king. Thus, he could devote his time to learning the art of conversation and actually hold a decent conversation with his lady love during the course of the movie. And when have you ever met a guy with such decisiveness? He's ready to end a sixteen-year-old engagement to the girl next door after singing and dancing with peasant girl for just a few minutes. Not to mention, this guy only needed a mere five minutes to slash his way through the forest of thorns, fend off Maleficent's attacks with his fire-retardant shield, and chuck his sword straight into Maleficent's heart. Now this is a man of action.
Cons: "But don't you remember? Why, we've met before: once upon a dream." Such a cringe-worthy pick-up line makes me wonder if we really need Disney princes who talk.
Relationship with Women: Finally! The first prince that actually does something besides sit pretty on his horse (not to mention, the first prince with a normal name)! This is the guy who will immediately end his relationship with the "other woman" just so he can pursue an honest relationship, the guy who will literally leap across chasms just for you.
Companions: Sampson is no ordinary white horse. This noble steed leaps across broken bridges, slides down cliffs, barrels toward a forest of thorns, dashes through green fire, and yet has to be bribed so that his master can go chase after a girl. Even a horse does more than either of the Prince Charmings ever will.
Final Verdict: Because he's technically known his bride for sixteen years, Phillip is off the hook for his hasty courtship.
Prince Eric
It certainly takes a lot just for Eric to "get in the mood."
Pros: If you like the casual type of guy, this is your man. The only time when he looks remotely princely is when he's getting married. The rest of the time, he's romping around with his dog and tormenting his creaky old advisor. And if you're the sea-loving type of person, this is the guy who never seems to get off his ship, despite how close he is to the shore. (Why the heck is he sailing all the time anyway? Doesn't he have more princely duties to be doing? Like going into the forest and looking for damsels in distress to sing duets with?)
Cons: What in the world did he see in Vanessa/Ursula? Whereas Ariel never fails to look cute and perky, Vanessa's eyebrows seem to be tattooed in a V shape. "OMFG she's got the same voice as the girl who saved me lyfe!!" That's definitely not a good reason to get married.
Relationship with Women: Think about it. He has to be serenaded by a bunch of fish, bugs, birds, and a hermit crab just to feel like kissing a girl? Which didn't work anyway... but he didn't even bother to try again? This man has no initiative... either that, or he's gay.
Companions: Max the scruffy sheepdog, an advisor who looks like he's about to kick the bucket, a crew of merry men, and the most psychotic chef in history. Period.
Final Verdict: This is definitely not your typical prince -- who else would forgo a sword and simply stab the villain with the prow of his ship?
It certainly takes a lot just for Eric to "get in the mood."Pros: If you like the casual type of guy, this is your man. The only time when he looks remotely princely is when he's getting married. The rest of the time, he's romping around with his dog and tormenting his creaky old advisor. And if you're the sea-loving type of person, this is the guy who never seems to get off his ship, despite how close he is to the shore. (Why the heck is he sailing all the time anyway? Doesn't he have more princely duties to be doing? Like going into the forest and looking for damsels in distress to sing duets with?)
Cons: What in the world did he see in Vanessa/Ursula? Whereas Ariel never fails to look cute and perky, Vanessa's eyebrows seem to be tattooed in a V shape. "OMFG she's got the same voice as the girl who saved me lyfe!!" That's definitely not a good reason to get married.
Relationship with Women: Think about it. He has to be serenaded by a bunch of fish, bugs, birds, and a hermit crab just to feel like kissing a girl? Which didn't work anyway... but he didn't even bother to try again? This man has no initiative... either that, or he's gay.
Companions: Max the scruffy sheepdog, an advisor who looks like he's about to kick the bucket, a crew of merry men, and the most psychotic chef in history. Period.
Final Verdict: This is definitely not your typical prince -- who else would forgo a sword and simply stab the villain with the prow of his ship?
Prince Adam (aka the Beast)
ME LIKE PRETTY THINGS!
It's kind of sad how he looked better when he resembled the Minotaur.
Pros: This is the first Disney prince who fits under the whole badass-jerk-with-a-heart-of-gold label you see so often in fictionpress stories. What other prince can fend off a pack of wolves with his bare hands? What other prince has a voice as deep and luscious as the Beast's? What other prince could fight off a champion hunter barehanded and would still show mercy on the villain who nearly killed him (nevermind that the idiot demonstrated his gratefulness by backstabbing him -- literally)?
Cons: Picture this. You've just broken the spell on your true love. He's suddenly floating in the air and glowing like Edward Cullen in the Sahara Desert. You avert your eyes from the brilliance, and then TA-DA! Your prince looks even uglier in his human form! You see, my friends -- this is the enchantress' true test. How long will you stay married to a guy with an effeminate soprano voice -- even though his deep, resonating beastly voice was much of the reason why you fell in love with him in the first place?
Relationship with Women: Okay, so he wasn't exactly a ladies' man at the beginning. He forces you to live in his palace for the rest of your life, and yet you can't go to the West Wing. He throws a temper tantrum and throws furniture at you when all you wanted to do was touch a silly old rose. Fortunately, his manners certainly improve. He knows how to pick out the perfect present and is willing to make changes -- just for you. Not bad, huh?
Companions: Magical diningware and appliances make things so much more interesting at dinnertime. Speaking of which, did anyone notice that Belle barely ate anything in that whole "Be Our Guest" sequence? All the food dances away before she even has time to take a bite.
Final Verdict: Everything the Beast had going for him went down the drain the instant he tossed back his wavy mane of hair to reveal his human self.
ME LIKE PRETTY THINGS!
It's kind of sad how he looked better when he resembled the Minotaur.Pros: This is the first Disney prince who fits under the whole badass-jerk-with-a-heart-of-gold label you see so often in fictionpress stories. What other prince can fend off a pack of wolves with his bare hands? What other prince has a voice as deep and luscious as the Beast's? What other prince could fight off a champion hunter barehanded and would still show mercy on the villain who nearly killed him (nevermind that the idiot demonstrated his gratefulness by backstabbing him -- literally)?
Cons: Picture this. You've just broken the spell on your true love. He's suddenly floating in the air and glowing like Edward Cullen in the Sahara Desert. You avert your eyes from the brilliance, and then TA-DA! Your prince looks even uglier in his human form! You see, my friends -- this is the enchantress' true test. How long will you stay married to a guy with an effeminate soprano voice -- even though his deep, resonating beastly voice was much of the reason why you fell in love with him in the first place?
Relationship with Women: Okay, so he wasn't exactly a ladies' man at the beginning. He forces you to live in his palace for the rest of your life, and yet you can't go to the West Wing. He throws a temper tantrum and throws furniture at you when all you wanted to do was touch a silly old rose. Fortunately, his manners certainly improve. He knows how to pick out the perfect present and is willing to make changes -- just for you. Not bad, huh?
Companions: Magical diningware and appliances make things so much more interesting at dinnertime. Speaking of which, did anyone notice that Belle barely ate anything in that whole "Be Our Guest" sequence? All the food dances away before she even has time to take a bite.
Final Verdict: Everything the Beast had going for him went down the drain the instant he tossed back his wavy mane of hair to reveal his human self.
Aladdin
Daddy, can I keep him? PLEASEEEEEE?
Pros: Not only is this guy able to outsmart and outrun the entire Agrabah police squad (what I don't understand is why they sent so many men after a thief who had only stolen a measly loaf of bread), he ends up giving it away to a hungry pair of children. Not to mention, this is the first Disney prince without a drop of royal blood in his veins, AND he defeated the villain by outsmarting him, unlike the Prince Charmings who did nothing yet claimed all the credit and Prince Phillip and Prince Adam, who both resorted to violence. Oh, did I mention that he actually sings a song that isn't a duet?
Cons: Physically, he's probably the youngest and least manly-looking guy out of the bunch.
Relationship with Women: What do you do when the one you've fallen at first sight for is a billion rungs higher up the social ladder than you? Naturally, the first thing you do is save her from the angry shopkeeper, help her evade the police squad, and take her back to your hideout where you offer her an apple you've stolen. Aladdin is certainly a charming fellow -- when he's not trying to pretend he's some rich, arrogant son of a sultan.
Companions: A annoying, greedy monkey with a matching cap, a magic carpet with a personality, and of course, a hilarious genie voiced by Robin Williams. Automatically add 100 points.
Final Verdict: Finally! A prince with a brain!
Yawnnnn... and so, to conclude this very strange post, here are four slightly unnerving but nevertheless interesting pictures from the Disney Heroes gallery drawn by David Kawena. I would have liked to include all six of the featured princes, but as you already know, the Prince Charmings are so incredibly useless that David Kawena didn't even bother including them in his Disney Heroes collection.
Prince Phillip
Prince Eric
Prince Adam
Aladdin
As you may notice, the pictures get progressively more... uh... eyecatching as you move down the list. Visit his deviantart gallery if you're curious about the other portraits.
And yes, I feel slightly dirty when I look at the last two pictures. Geez, David Kawena... why did you have to draw it so... flamboyantly??
Anyways. So in conclusion, who is my favorite Disney Prince?
You called me for me, oh wise authoress?
This guy cracks me up. Especially the scene when he gets run over by bikers while he's singing.
Daddy, can I keep him? PLEASEEEEEE?Pros: Not only is this guy able to outsmart and outrun the entire Agrabah police squad (what I don't understand is why they sent so many men after a thief who had only stolen a measly loaf of bread), he ends up giving it away to a hungry pair of children. Not to mention, this is the first Disney prince without a drop of royal blood in his veins, AND he defeated the villain by outsmarting him, unlike the Prince Charmings who did nothing yet claimed all the credit and Prince Phillip and Prince Adam, who both resorted to violence. Oh, did I mention that he actually sings a song that isn't a duet?
Cons: Physically, he's probably the youngest and least manly-looking guy out of the bunch.
Relationship with Women: What do you do when the one you've fallen at first sight for is a billion rungs higher up the social ladder than you? Naturally, the first thing you do is save her from the angry shopkeeper, help her evade the police squad, and take her back to your hideout where you offer her an apple you've stolen. Aladdin is certainly a charming fellow -- when he's not trying to pretend he's some rich, arrogant son of a sultan.
Companions: A annoying, greedy monkey with a matching cap, a magic carpet with a personality, and of course, a hilarious genie voiced by Robin Williams. Automatically add 100 points.
Final Verdict: Finally! A prince with a brain!
Yawnnnn... and so, to conclude this very strange post, here are four slightly unnerving but nevertheless interesting pictures from the Disney Heroes gallery drawn by David Kawena. I would have liked to include all six of the featured princes, but as you already know, the Prince Charmings are so incredibly useless that David Kawena didn't even bother including them in his Disney Heroes collection.
Prince Phillip
Prince Eric
Prince Adam
AladdinAs you may notice, the pictures get progressively more... uh... eyecatching as you move down the list. Visit his deviantart gallery if you're curious about the other portraits.
And yes, I feel slightly dirty when I look at the last two pictures. Geez, David Kawena... why did you have to draw it so... flamboyantly??
Anyways. So in conclusion, who is my favorite Disney Prince?
You called me for me, oh wise authoress?This guy cracks me up. Especially the scene when he gets run over by bikers while he's singing.
6 comments:
I'm writing this because I saw that you had no comments. Also, I feel the freedom of not having to watch what I write because you probably don't check this that often.
Anyway.
I loved that! The only reason I got it was I was google image searching "disney "princes"" so I could tag my friends on facebook (not that it would work. Stupif Dial-Up internet) and found this page instead. Love it! So nice to find somebody who doesn't have a completely hopeless sense of humor liek Jay Leno. I mean really. He's okay but not that funny and relies on bad puns. *eye roll.* So. keep it up! Oh, and when people tell you that your sarcasm is mean (it happens to me so often. no. I do not have a bad attitude. I have a sense of humor. No hating.) you should just...uh...well don't laugh in their faces, because that's really tacky/cheezy/etc. Um...rest content in the knowlege that you're...not.. totally... evil? Okay. I'm really bad at this.
Ah-HAH!
When people say you sarcasm's mean, know that a lot of people will appreciate yoru sense of humor.
Phew.
Wow, this is a really long comment...ah whatever. Not like it's distracting you from any of the otehr comments, haha. Sorry that was kind of mean.
And those "twi-hards"? creepy! Ugh!
I mean some people will apreciate YOUR sense of humor. Sorry. Hate typos.
And it's onlt 10:09 pm. Pacific Time.
Oh My God! You actually DO check this more than once a year! Aw man that means you're actually going to read these comments...okay. well in my dfense, It's kind of late at night (barely) and I'm a little tired. And I'm me (best excuse EVER!) and sorry I keep talking about myself. it just seems like things need explaining...and we're never going to meet anyway, and if we do, it's not like we're going to know each other. If we did, that would really be creepy.
I never knew the Beast's name was Adam. How'd you find out?
lol. i don't know if you'll see this either. but thank you -- i enjoyed reading your comments :] i think the only reason i knew the beast's real name is thanks to wikipedia. yup, wikipedia knows all. that's the only reason i knew the huntsman's name from snow white. hahahaa anyways, thanks for reading :]
Love this. Thank you for writing it. I only ask one thing, did you ever consider that maybe Prince Eric spent all that time on the boat instead of riding through forests with a sword specifically to avoid that type of princess? It could have just left him very shy. Though yeah, he did come across as a little gay to me. Actually, most of these princes either seemed gay or completely self absorbed since they believe they can ID the love of their life from a brief encounter and rescue.
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