cryogenic freeze

"The longer I stand here
The louder the silence
I know that you're gone but sometimes I swear that I hear
Your voice when the wind blows
So I talk to the shadows
Hoping you might be listening 'cause I want you to know"

-- "Words" by Skylar Grey

i woke up this morning, and it was as if autumn had eloped with summer and left winter to fend for itself. the landscape had turned to black and white overnight. the only things were left from summer were the photographs, digitized pixels that could be wiped from existence in an instant. i can't remember the last time i watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind but all i can think of is whether or not i would erase you the way Clementine erased Joel. i picture myself removing my internal organs one by one, and when the heart comes out in a wet gushing noise, i remember that one line from Closer. it really does look like fist wrapped in blood, but what the heart is clenching so tightly, i cannot tell. if i cryogenically freeze my insides, maybe then i won't need to feel anymore. i'll walk through life as a shell of flesh and bones, waiting until we meet again. we are Joel and Clementine of the Pacific, two strangers on a train. meet me in california -- she says. melt me. make me feel again. his head clears the way the clouds in a cup of coffee dissipate, and for a second the pixels realign in a flash, and he sees the last memory of her, waving goodbye in the pouring rain.

maybe then you will stop haunting me.