Until the Sun Rises

but with that moon in the sky
who wants to be alone
and when the stars shine so bright
who wants to be alone

"Who Wants to Be Alone" by Tiesto ft. Nelly Furtado

I chopped my hair, sheared to the jawline in a throwback to my high school days. I needed to do something drastic, something to dispel the malaise that has settled in the air here like miasma. Looking in the mirror afterwards, it felt as if my true self had disappeared for four years, only to reappear before my eyes again with each snip of the scissors. A part of me wanted to stay here for another year after graduation, but after what I saw last night, it became crystal clear to me that I shouldn't stay here any longer.

When I was in my last year of high school, I just wanted to get out for the sake of leaving. I wanted to leave the place I had been rooted to for the last sixteen years of my life. There were too many regrets I harbored. I wanted to throw aside the role I'd been cast in through high school without a single glance back.

One thing that has changed about me in the last four years is my belief that everything happens for a reason. I've become more spiritual since coming to college, I suppose. In a way, I think that's why you reappeared in my life again.

To be honest, I had stopped thinking of you for a while now. There are remnants that will always be splintered within, but the truth is I was no longer conscious of the mark you left on me. It was done, and I was over it all. 

I have no preconceptions that we will see each other again, in the near future or ever. I don't even know if I would ever want to. But that conscious thought was all it took to remind me of where I had come from. He reminded me of you for a reason. I don't think that was a coincidence. I didn't plunge headfirst this time around, but there was still a shade of what I had felt four years ago when I saw him and her last night.

I confess, sometimes I do wonder how differently things would have been if our lives had intersected now rather than before. Maybe nothing would have changed. Maybe you haven't changed at all. But I know I'm not the same as I used to be. 

Vous êtes belles, mais vous êtes vides.... On ne peut pas mourir pour vous.