"I've been thinking..."

"Geez, that's a surprise."

... anyway. My head is filled with a bunch of clutter, so now I am going to expel one massive diarrhea of nonsense. I have a feeling this post will get fairly personal, so I might take this post down whenever I please.

1. Monsieur Yin's last post really got me thinking. It never occured to me in my life that people might be jealous of me. There are so many things wrong with me that I have never thought I was worth being jealous over or whatever at all. I might as well make an entire list right now of all my faults.

• I eat too much when I'm stressed
• I am very indecisive and can get very nervous.
• I have very pessimistic tendencies
• Despite what people think, I am not great at math. Really. I can thank my parents for bestowing a calculus-worthy brain, but I don't intend to get anywhere near calculus unless I am forced to.
• I am an introvert who can't handle being in the spotlight and usually won't be the first to approach others.
• I am not a very confrontational or aggressive person.
• If I am nervous around certain people, I act very differently and can barely look at them in the eye.
• I am not very good at making friends.
• I am incredibly two-faced. Only very close friends see my loud, cynical, witty side. I am sure the others think I am incredibly dull, boring, and quiet.

I think that's a long enough list, but you get my point. Being jealous of my writing, I might be able to understand, because it's something I actually feel very lucky to have. Being naturally quick-minded is another. But I am really surprised to hear that K. thinks I'm pretty and nice. Which leads me to my next point.

2. My guess is that I am a very unusual seventeen-year-old. Why? Someone might say I am love-phobic. I have never slow-danced in my life. The only two guys my age that I have hugged are my close friend who doesn't even count and this weird guy who went around hugging everybody. Part of the reason may be because back then, I didn't even see the point. Those flings ended in a matter of months. It was stupid and pointless. Plus I hated holding hands, period. Even if we were just doing square dancing or something - I just thought it was gross. In short, I am not a clingy person.

I will have to confess, however, that I did admire people from afar. I just watched from a distance but I held no expectations or hopes - it was just making my life a little more interesting. At least, it lasted this way until Storm.

Storm was an infatuation that lasted for years. How many middle-schoolers can brag about that? It eventually died (and now, I don't even know what I was thinking), but it did shape my character greatly during those years. But that was when I was in my early teens. I am now almost an adult, and I will have to say that I have matured a great deal, both physically and emotionally.

Now it is Orpheus. I have known Orpheus for a very long time, but it has always been like a switch, flickering on and off. This has been excruicatingly irritating; there are moments where we can act like friends, and then there are moments where we don't even acknowledge each other's existence. The strange thing is how when we do acknowledge each other, I can talk so easily without locking up and sounding like an idiot.

I love Orpheus' voice. Maybe that's why.

But just like I can pick out all my faults so sharply, I am unfortunately very good at finding the flaws in others. It has been a constant game of tug-o-war. My brain warns one thing; my heart (for lack of a better term) runs the other direction. Eventually, something has to give -- and usually, it's the brain that wins.

3. I think I may have written about this on here already. I have always been insecure about how I look. Before I got braces, I had large front teeth and my lower teeth were crooked. I hated wearing my hair down and always wore really boring unflattering ponytails (which contributed to a receding hairline). I have never been tall. I don't remember who (but I am almost 100% sure it was Howl, that despicable waste of oxygen), but someone once told a friend of mine that I was ugly. I have forever been grateful to that friend who stood up for me and told him to shut up, but my self-confidence has never been very strong to begin with.

Meanwhile, I have some very attractive friends who often are the object of somebody's affection. Of course, I would rather not deal with those problems that Rogue faces every year, but sometimes you start taking those stabs a little personally. I will confess, part of the reason prom season was hell for me was because I knew nobody would ask me. Granted, I gladly and proudly went stag to Junior Prom, but I have to say, it really did hurt when all my friends had gotten dates and I was the only one going alone. (Fortunately, JC eventually got rid of that despicable waste of oxygen and I had some company.)

In short, I don't see anything attractive about myself. I've been convinced that I am not pretty -- just fortunately not disfigured -- and so when I get those compliments recently (esp. after prom), I don't believe any of it. Hell, I was surprised K. thought I was nice. There have been people in the past who mistook my shyness for coldness. I am plain and unapproachable. The end.

4. There are so many things I want to say. I just don't know how to say it in person.