December 5, 2009

Labyrinth

Steps Ascending

//edit//
Taking a break from studying.

In reflecting on these last few months of college, I don't know what to think.

On the plus side, I like the immersion into an intellectual environment. It's nice to be surrounded by other highly intelligent, motivated people; it really gets you thinking about what you can do as an individual in the world. Talk to the right people, and you can get all sorts of connections. I actually had Thanksgiving dinner at the Southern aristocratic home of a visiting professor who wrote the screenplay of a relatively famous soap opera.

On the negative side? I've never realized until now just how trapped I feel.

I feel like I'm a mouse trapped in a labyrinth with only one way out. My life has already been mapped so that I attend elementary school, middle school, then high school. From there, I am expected to attend a college for four or so years and earn my bachelors degree. Then from there, I am most likely expected to continue to graduate school or professional school (i.e. medical school), or perhaps even go off into the business world.

I have never felt so much pressure like I feel now. My future worth in terms of money is dependent of simple letter grades that may or may not get me into post-undergraduate schools. If I slip far enough, there's no return. My parents allowed me to attend Duke because I convinced them I'd be able to get a higher GPA at a private school. I don't know if their warning was a legitimate threat or not, but if I don't keep good grades by the end of my first year, they are going to stop paying my tuition.

It has been a horrible week. Firstly, my psychology class, which is notorious for its "easy A" status, has been a nightmare the last few days because of grade discrepancies. What was an A on my midterm report card suddenly slunk down to a C+ (due to the TA's mistake, which nearly gave me an aortic aneurysm) and is now a B -- and for a very stupid reason. Basically, I received only half-credit for my discussion grade (due to an idiotic mix-up that I will at least accept some blame for), which effectively caused my grade to plummet. The only boost my optional final can help is to bump my grade up by five measly points. Why? Because I have scored so high on my previous midterms that I can only improve my lowest midterm grade by five points. I would have to score 48 out of 50 on the final in order to bump my grade up to a B+.

My other option (which I intend to do tomorrow) is to relentlessly stake out by my professor's office tomorrow in hopes that I will be able to convince him to raise my grade (and I have many valid arguments on that point), since my TA does not want to be a merciful being at all.

In addition, I had a very stressful time with my EMT practical. I am happy to announce that I have passed my EMT class and am just a step away from being EMT-B certified for the state of North Carolina. Getting there was not an easy ride, however. I had a very rough night the first day of TSOPS in which I failed one station (involving administering albuterol to a four-month-old patient) with a very basic, idiotic lapse of judgment.

Essentially, I broke down Wednesday night from the compound effects of EMT worries and Psych problems. I called my mother and started crying to her, telling her how stressed I was, how I didn't know if I could handle everything that was happening. I was depressed for much of the week -- and to a degree, I still am.

The sad thing is, while writing has always been a therapeutic way for me to relieve stress and reflect on things in my life, I have been bombarded constantly with work that I feel guilty about writing, and so I don't do it. In fact, I only started writing this post now because my brain is literally fried. There has been no way for me to vent. I sit in the library from 11 am to 12 pm either with my loathed multi-variable calculus or chemistry textbook doing problems until all I see are letters and numbers spinning in my head.

The only escape for me has been shamefully far-fetched daydreaming. I dream of finishing writing my story, of being represented by a literary agent at a powerful agency, of my story getting published with a gorgeous hardcover book jacket, of it eclipsing all of Stephenie Meyer's Twilight fame and essentially ensuring me that it's okay if I don't make it to medical school because I can still justify my actions to my parents -- look, I can make a living in other ways you never even dreamed of.

I've questioned myself again and again why I am so set on being a doctor. This question really came under attack when I had the horrible first night of EMT practical exams. It wasn't until the second night, when I truly imagined myself in the scenarios with live patients as opposed to plastic mannequins, that I realized it simply felt right. To comfort a child scared out of her life, to be able to relieve her pain -- it may be frightening to think, "What if she dies under my care?" -- but if it's not you, who else can help her in time?

But then again, one can be an EMT without being a doctor.

Only now do I feel the full extent of the burden of the expectations on my back. My parents pay nearly $50k a year on my tuition with the idea that it is an investment; that I will eventually be earning more than that amount in a year's salary. If I fail, what options do I have left?

That's why although I look forward to Winter Break, it is only a mild consolation. Because I know come January, I will be working my ass off again and the cycle will resume. That's why I will probably spend the majority of my time this winter writing. In case I do fail... there's always the distant hope that I can still make a dream come true.
Wrote @
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2 comments:

Astrid said...

I think some of the terms with your parents need to be set straight. You may not get the highest GPA freshman year first semester, but no one expects you to. Trends in college are the opposite of high school--students usually perform worst their first semester. So even if you have to settle for a B+, rest assured that that's your bottom.
Not only that, you are not taking an easy course load by any stretch of the imagination. In addition to fulfilling grueling pre-med requirements, you add on an additional intensive (what must be exhausting) EMT course. Your relentlessness, brute will, and sheer ability to reflect upon it all (in such an eloquent way), all those qualities are reflected from your experience, and thus give value to it. If I were as accomplished in my first semester as you are, I would sure as hell be proud and not defeated.

December 7, 2009 at 4:21:00 PM CST
Ari said...

Sorry to hear about your being depressed and your ridiculous work load, love. If you ever need to talk, just call me. I'm up at weird hours now, so I'll probably pick up. I'm looking forward to winter break and seeing all of your guys' lovely faces. We are definitely going to hang out and do something enjoyable and fun and relaxing, because you obviously deserve and need it.
Seriously, though, you are an absolute beast because of your schedule. I'm pretty sure I would be dead on the floor by now...
I miss you, and please don't die from an avalanche of studying books and research papers and the like. I would miss you very very very much.
<3 Good luck on finals and see you soon!

December 7, 2009 at 10:34:00 PM CST

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