Requiem

"Hanging by threads of palest silver
I could have stayed that way forever
Bad blood and ghosts wrapped tight around me
Nothing could ever seem to touch me"

I’ve never stopped watching you.

There's no way I can tell you this. I have neither arms nor voice to reach out to you. The consciousness is willfully floating above, and it may stand on any place above ground, but in the end, I’m just a spectator bound to the other side of the gate. There’s no way to express how unbearable it is. This forced passivity must be my punishment for having wasted my life.

I know the question you want to ask. The answer doesn't matter. Whatever the intent had been, I had lost the will to live. Tumbling down the rabbit hole, running away from everything, falling to the depths of loneliness -- what I found at the end was a sleepless white night where the sun never rises.

When she masqueraded as my ghost, she was able to draw you in. It meant that somewhere, there was still a hole within you. In my absence, my presence remained. A hole filled with darkness and despair... I thought it would never be filled. But that day at the cemetery, I felt something change in you. The emptiness that had consumed you was beginning to disappear. The heart I held in the palm of my hand grew heavier and heavier, until I began to recognize the burden of trying to keep you locked in my fist.

At first, when I saw what was happening, I panicked. I thought you had chosen someone else because you had forgotten who I was. It tore open the stitches that had kept me contained, exposed my old wounds to the open air. But I was wrong. The truth was, I had lost to the stronger power that kept you there alive and apart from me.

Your feelings, your torment, your regret, your pain -- I felt it in my chest. But you have a future ahead of you. She's already forced you to turn around and face Eurydice, my Orpheus. It's time for you to return to where you belong.

In this sleepless night, as the darkness advances, look up at the sky and remember that somewhere in this wide world, there are always people who love you and people who need you. You don't need to worry about me. There are new melodies crowded in my head, one after the other. Maybe one day, you'll hear me sing for you again. Like now. Even if my voice can't reach to where you are, I continue to sing... and to pray for your happiness.

"Here comes the cold again
I feel it closing in
You're falling down and
All around me falling

Falling... falling... falling"

-- "A Stroke of Luck" by Garbage