Sophelia's Top Five: Literary Male Leads

I don't know why -- perhaps it's the lack of having anything to occupy my time with besides spending it with my significant other (read: Organic Chemistry II textbook), but I have become an avid reader of blogs. You thought I was a religious blog follower before? I practically have a list of ten or so blogs I check daily -- and I'm still searching for more, since not all of them update every day. My latest favorite is http://www.foreveryoungadult.com, a blog written by adults who love reading YA. I don't really follow it so much for the YA, but the hilariousness of the posts keep me laughing. I don't even remember how I first found the page -- all I know is that I clicked on a link somewhere and ended up on FYA's Twilight Drinking Game page...

Score One for FYA.

Today, I spent more than an hour reading all the Twilight tagged posts on FYA, featuring a hearty amount of sparkly vampire bashing -- which led me to a ton of other hilarious Twilight-bashing links. One of which listed 34 reasons why the New Moon movie is better than the book (which was probably actually only 30, given how many times they repeated Jacob's abs). This reason however, was one of my favorites:

“Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars –points of light and reason….And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by light. I couldn’t see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything.”

"The movie, thank god, dispenses with most speeches like this."

Stephenie Meyer? Could you come over and help me wipe the vomit off my keyboard? K thanks.

I don't know. Edward just doesn't do it for me. Neither does Jacob, despite his abs. And while I like to laugh at the expense of the Twi-hards like everyone else, you might say I'm hypocritical because I've had my own obsessions with fictional characters. So now I've decided to conveniently compile a list for y'all; R-Patz I'm looking at YOU. If you want to win over girls like me who are the epitome of cool, outside of the hormonal tween/teen demographic (though technically I'm still a teen, and in reality there are soccer moms out there who love you for reasons I cannot imagine), you need to learn from these five gentlemen I've picked out to teach you a lesson on how to be a swoon-worthy male lead, and not some sick and abusive sparkly popsicle.

NOTE: To simplify things, I only considered characters from books and did not consider any Disney characters. That would have been a different list entirely. And also, this list is entirely subjective (based on characters I've had crushes on in my nineteen years of life) and was created while I was half paying attention in class today. So please feel free to drop any names if I've forgotten anybody swoonworthy -- though chances are, if I didn't add famous names like Rhett Butler, Heathcliff, or Rochester, chances are I haven't read the book or I read it too long ago to remember the character very well.

ALSO: I am not including pictures because these guys look fifty times better in my head than any picture you might find on the Internet. Yes, allow me to remain blissfully delusional.

FINALLY: Before you all go apeshit (yes! I've been dying to use that word! AHEM.. anyways...) on me about why I haven't included Darcy, here's why -- I've never been attracted to him at all. He is infinitely better than Bingley, who is spineless puppet, but I still think Sophelia + Darcy would be a Bad Romance with a GAGA OOH LALA. Ahem. And now, without further ado:

Sophelia's Top Five: Swoon-worthy Literary Male Leads

5. Prince Charmont from Ella Enchanted

Intro: Char and I first met when I was a fourth grader doing a book report, and my mother made me read this book by Gail Carson Levine that she'd bought from the school book orders. (GOD I loved those things! They need like a college edition or something.) Never really liked princes until I came across Char, which I suppose is evidence that I really am a girl which makes him my obligatory prince crush to cover up the fact that I never had a crush on any of the Disney princes as a kid.

The Hook: Okay, being a prince is part of it. But not only that, Char is kind and thoughtful and chivalrous without acting patronizing and misogynistic. How many guys do you know will give you a centaur as a gift the second time you meet him? Not only that, he'd totally appreciate my whacked out sense of humor. Not only would we slide down banisters together in his royal palace, he'd probably laugh at all my stupid jokes.

What Edward Could Learn From Him: Dear sir, if you are so strongly attracted to a girl, there is no need to do stupid things like leave her mysteriously and then let her get all suicidal and psycho and then when you mistakenly believe she's dead, you threaten to commit suicide by revealing your sparkling glory to the world. Char loved Ella right from the start, and he never left a doubt about it. Girls like me can't stand flirting games with all those rules about signaling or playing hard to get and whatnot -- we are too oblivious for that sort of crap, so don't pull an Edward and start flipping out when we sit next to you in Biology.

4. Laurie from Little Women

Intro: Oh, Laurie. I threw a fit when Jo rejected your marriage proposal, and then I threw an even bigger fit when you went ahead and married Amy. Honestly, if I get to write a sequel to Little Women, ignoring the fact that Louisa May Alcott has already written one, I'm going to maroon you and Jo on a secluded tropical island where you two engage in a clandestine extramarital love affair filled with epic adventures such as staging wickedly awesome plays starring the island natives. I don't care much for Fritz, and Amy can go bugger off. (Really, I don't know if I could ever forgive someone who throws my unfinished novel in a fire... even if she were my sister.)

The Hook: Laurie would be a blast to hang out with. He'd act out all the stupid stories I write, and we'd have the time of our lives coming up with crazy things to do. Besides, did you know Christian Bale played him in the 1994 movie version? As in, He-Who-Has-One-of-My-Favorite-Voices-Ever Christian Bale? Sa-woooon.

What Edward Could Learn From Him: Gee Edward, how would we spend our down time together? Gazing lustfully at each other in the forest? I can't keep up with vampire baseball when all you guys are ridiculously athletic, and I don't think you watching me sleep every night counts as quality time together. Find some hobbies, dude.

3. Wes Baker from The Truth About Forever

Intro: Since high school, I've read my fair share of Sarah Dessen books, but Wes takes the cake -- hands down. Though I liked Dexter's personality, for some reason I never pictured him as particularly physically attractive in my mind, and I wasn't fond of Owen's patronizing views on music at all. Not only is Wes supposed to be ridiculously gorgeous (with a badass tattoo!), more importantly he is artistic, understanding, and patient, and get this -- he can totally relate to the female lead, Macy.

The Hook: Honestly, what more do I need to say other than the fact that he is the original SA-WOON? Not only that, I completely respect this honorable guy -- not only does he break-up with his girlfriend before trying to start anything with Macy, he also doesn't act like a complete asshole after Macy rejects him and instead chooses Jason, who is the most ridiculously pathetic and clueless boyfriend in literary existence -- by that point, I wanted to smack Macy upside on the head and steal Wes for myself. HELLO? JASON OVER THE ORIGINAL SA-WOON? WOMAN, ARE YOU MAD? If I were Wes, I'd probably spiral into depression wondering how in the world I lost to that pansy.

What Edward Could Learn from Him: Despite the fact that Wes is supposed to be undeniably gorgeous, that's not what makes him the Original Sa-woon in the hearts of many. Wes is empathetic. That scene when he holds Macy in the hospital when she breaks down after she remembers how her father died? Classic. All those scenes where Wes and Macy talk openly about their secrets to each other through the Truth game? Even better. How much do you really know about Bella? How many times have you two actually sat down and had a heart-to-heart without you telling her she's your morphine, your lamb, your blah blah blah? If you REALLY knew her, you would have known she'd gone apeshit (YES!) after you broke up with her -- because she apparently literally cannot function without you.

2. Ren Honjo from Nana

Intro: Okay, so I kind of stretched things a bit by considering Nana as a book. But really, how can I not include Ren? Discovering Nana and consequently Ren was probably one of the highlights of my high school experience. Where do you think I got the idea of Rhys from, huh? Not only that, I-who-never-cry-for-fictional-characters was on the brink of crying when Ren died. Say what?

The Hook: First of all, in general I like guys with short hair. Even if Takumi hadn't been a Grade A asshole, I would have never been able to get past the hair. Secondly, I love all things badass (coughT.O.P.cough), and if Ren existed in real life, I'd have a hard time picking between a champion of badassery between T.O.P. and Ren. I love T.O.P.'s voice, but Ren and the guitar? Oh lord. And sure, Ren and Nana's love for each other is bordering on psychotic possessiveness, but you still have to admire the guy who is still so madly in love with a girl he hasn't seen or heard from in years. Think about it -- a rock star of Ren's caliber would be surrounded by adoring fans and fawning groupies and beautiful celebrities -- and he still remained infatuated with the girl he left behind when he went to pursue his dreams? That is IMPRESSIVE, good sir.

What Edward Could Learn from Him: Want to be dark and badass? Take some notes on this guy.

1. Gilbert Blythe from Anne of Green Gables

Intro: I loved Anne Shirley. She was funny, imaginative, and smart; I wanted to be her best friend. So the fact that Gilbert Blythe is my favorite character in the book means you can imagine just how supremely awesome and godlike he is to be able to top Anne Shirley. Gilbert has been, and always will be, my number one literary crush.

The Hook: Oh lord, I could sing praises for this guy all day. Not only is Gilbert handsome (tall, dark hair, gray eyes) and smart (he and Anne were always vying to be the top of the class) and maybe even a little cocky at first, he is so genuine. He makes the mistake of calling Anne "Carrots" on the first day and gets a slate broken over his head, but instead of denying any wrong doing (well, maybe not at first), he really tries to be make amends with Anne. That scene where her boat sinks and Gilbert rescues her? Oh, you have no idea how badly I wanted to chuck the wooden panels of the rotting boat at her when she refused Gilbert's request to give up old grudges and be friends. And have I mentioned that he's selfless? Gilbert gave up a teaching job that was closer to home and recommended Anne to the employers, so that she could take care of Marilla without having to give up Green Gables. AND he's a doctor? WHERE ARE ALL THE GILBERT BLYTHES IN THIS WORLD? Or, more importantly: WHERE'S MINE?

What Edward Could Learn From Him: Edward, if you could dye your hair black, wear grey color contacts, and be smart and accomplished AND treat your girl as your intellectual and social equal, then you might actually have a chance to be on my Top Five, but there's no way in hell you're getting anywhere near Gilbert.

Oh dear. This list took longer than I expected. Honorable Mentions include Dickon from The Secret Garden, Mr. Knightley from Emma, and George Cooper from The Song of the Lioness quartet.