Pain

I have never appreciated modern medicine so much until today.

I have a bacterial infection in my lower jaw right now. It's a recurring infection that has happened to me twice in my life -- the first when I was 12, the second after my braces were removed. I was a teary mess last night, and I could not sleep without waking up every thirty minutes in throbbing pain. I saw a local dentist today who prescribed antibiotics and an even stronger pain-killer (I told him that Advil was having no effect anymore). So although the pain is not so severe as last night, my chin is now swollen like a baseball. I can barely even talk properly at this point.

If the antibiotics work as intended by Monday, the dentist says I may need to get two root canals.

As someone who has never broken a bone or been deathly ill, there is nothing I dread more than dental problems. All of my worst memories of physical pain have been dental-related. Sleepless nights, throbbing pain, Vicodin withdrawal, loss of appetite -- it's all there. I realized today though, that if it weren't for today's modern dentistry -- without the antibiotics and dental x-rays -- if I was living centuries earlier with this same bacterial infection, I could very well go insane from the pain -- and perhaps lose those teeth or even die from the infection.

In fact, the pain I was going through this morning would have been enough to make me consider taking self-destructive action, if I hadn't had the consolation that I would be seeing a dentist in a few hours.

It is terrifying to think that over 10,000 lives have been estimated to have been lost already, and we still have the danger of nuclear meltdown as a looming threat. When I saw the videos of the water creeping over the land, engulfing houses and cars, it reminded me of the polluted river spirit from Spirited Away -- except the worst thing is that this all real. 10,000 people -- have I even met that many people in my life? I cannot even comprehend that number.

I didn't realize how much of a connection I have with Japan until this happened. Ashamedly, the previous earthquakes at Haiti and Chile felt so distant from me. This time, I found myself wondering if OLIVIA and Ai Yazawa were okay. With my facebook deactivated, I had to hunt down OLIVIA's twitter -- she and her family are fine. With Ai Yazawa, I have no idea.

Over the break, I had been complaining about how much money I spent making the stupid paddle. So naive. I went ahead and donated money this morning -- it feels like that's all I can do, as a college student on the other side of the country with no real skills and hardly any money.

Bare Snow

Many of my friends have jumped on the tumblr wagon, but after experimenting with it for about a month last year, I decided it wasn't cup of tea. Nevertheless, I keep up with my friends' tumblr accounts almost daily. Considering my facebook has been deactivated, it's become my temporary newsfeed for my friends' lives.

I have always wrestled between the desire for privacy and publicity. In the end, privacy has always won out -- this blog, in all its incarnations, has never been made publicly available to all my friends and acquaintances. The thing is, I am a walking paradox. I don't care about what people say about me, but I do. The only time my writing feels like it has any worth is when it is raw and bare -- but in exchange, I am afraid of being judged once I strip the exterior away.

Two of my good friends have struck a compromise on tumblr -- they have a public tumblr that is publicly linked to their facebook accounts while maintaining a password-protected tumblr that only a handful of close friends have access to.

I was reading both private tumblrs earlier this afternoon -- by chance, both girls reminisced of the painful break-ups they went through last autumn. They both spoke of a pain unimaginable and incomprehensible to me.

January opened my eyes to just how much of a child I still am. Swathed in the cocoon silk of fairy tales and promises of the ever after, I am virgin snow, unsoiled, untrampled, untouched. But this me exists by choice. True, I have no former admirers or suitors to speak of. To my knowledge, I was never an object of desire. But the reality is, no one ever had the chance. I never opened myself up to anyone. I had vowed to be heartless before I had ever gotten hurt. I was steel and knives before anyone had managed to worm themselves past my defenses.

I still hate the cruelest month of April. I think back to the high school girl who went stag to her prom. Twice. Isn't that sad? I must have been guttsier when I was young, because I don't know if I would ever do that again. The message I wanted to send then was that I didn't give a fuck about the guys; I was there to have my own good time. Who knows if it worked? Perhaps I looked desperate more than anything. My disillusionment was still raw. Thinking back on it now, the naive high school girl had no idea that sex was already on their minds. In the end, I cannot help but wonder how many of the high school couples I knew had already set sail before I even realized that we had reached the shore.

My friends sometimes say they envy the empty canvas I call my life. No drama, no pain. But do you know why the canvas is so bare? This girl, who spins her own fictional worlds and lives vicariously through her creations' picturesque lives, cannot bear the thought of settling for anything less than perfect. Yes, she is probably your modern-day female version of a delusional Peter Pan. But if she has to be heartless to make the fantasy a reality, then so be it.

Book Report: The Hunger Games

You know, I used to be so on top of it all. Reading books, I mean. There was a time when I would be at the public library every week and devour two or three books per week -- when you add up the numbers, I'd probably read at least a hundred books a year. I also believe there is a correlation between how many books you read and how much you write, because these days, I clearly haven't been doing much of either.

So unlike the Twilight series, which I had actually read before the movie hooplah over R. Patz and K. Stew became such a circus, I shamefully did not get started on the first book of this latest hot hot series until last Monday.

I know, right? Sophelia, ya need to get back in yo game! This book has been out since 2008! Unfortunately, it's not like the Duke libraries keep young adult books in stock (or do they? I confess I have never actually checked), and it would have been fruitless for me to reserve a library copy at home -- and I usually don't buy books unless I love the book enough that I want my own hard copy (exception: second-hand books at dollar book sales). But luckily for me, there was a copy sitting on the Teen Bestseller's section in the public library, and considering how fast of a speed-reader I am, I easily finished the entire book by Tuesday morning.

So here's the thing -- one of the blogs I read from time to time, foreveryoungadult.com, is madly obsessed with the series. If you look at the tag cloud on the right side of their blog, "hunger games" is easily the biggest fish in the pond. As a result, I've read all sorts of stuff about the great love triangle between Katniss, Peeta, and Gale without an inkling of what is going on -- other than the fact that it seems like Peeta and Gale have a little more to offer than the battle between Edward and Jacob. (Basically, the Hunger Games love triangle boils down to meat and croissants. Just sayin.)

But before I get to the whole love triangle business, let's talk about the book.

And today's game show is called... YAY OR NAY?? Our first contestant is...

1. An American Spin on Battle Royale

Chiyaki!! Another member of the pantheon of badassery!

So I don't know about you guys, but I have some deep memories associated with the Japanese cult classic. And when I mean deep, I mean I was a middle schooler stuck at an obligatory dinner party on Halloween night where all the kids my age at the party were boys glued to their PC games, and so I picked out Battle Royale from the host family's DVD collection and started watching the film myself. That is, until the older-boy-I-had-a-crush-on-at-the-time came downstairs and decided to watch it with me. Quite romantic, actually. A middle schooler and a high schooler sitting side by side on the couch watching Japanese schoolkids slashing each other to bits.

So naturally, I get a little twitchy when I hear about any kind of Western attempt to mess around with the Japanese original. In fact, I flipped out the time I heard there was an American adaptation in the works (the project died after the Virginia Tech incident). And in the case of The Hunger Games, the premise was initially a little too close for my liking.

But now that I have read the first book, I can say that there are some significant differences to consider -- and that in the end, I don't think it's fair to compare the two side by side.

Firstly, keep the target audiences in mind. The Hunger Games is a young adult book with a target audience of teenagers. I don't know what the rating for Battle Royale is, but considering all the gore in that movie, I will bet anything that teenagers are not the target audience. Having said that, I am curious to see how they are going to film The Hunger Games to cater to a PG-13 audience -- because all in all, it IS a book about murder, plain and simple.

Suzanne Collins' writing was very fast-paced and action-packed, but in retrospect I have to say that I didn't get the visceral reaction that I got from watching Battle Royale -- which makes complete sense. Compare reading the words, "She got her skull bashed in by a rock," versus if I put up a video clip of that same action -- which is going to make you run to the bathroom to vomit? Don't get me wrong -- I love "smart" books with strategy, which The Hunger Games is -- but the book made me feel rather detached from the bloodbath.

The other key difference between the two is that Katniss and Peeta are fighting against people they have never met. In contrast, the kids of Battle Royale are competing against their own classmates -- many of whom they have known for years. Even if you have not watched Battle Royale, you can probably imagine the potential trickiness to work with in terms of intepersonal relationships. How do you kill that classmate you've known since you were in kindergarten? The tragedy of Battle Royale is not all the countless deaths that total up -- it's watching all those relationships break down as a result of the fight-or-die environment they find themselves in.

But again, we have to keep in mind: 1) Suzanne Collins is writing for young adults, 2) the publishers want to earn money from these books, 3) American parents are very sensitive about their children's exposure to violence. Thus, we get a cleaner, less messy (both physically and emotionally) tale of dystopian child gladiators. And I am not being sarcastic about this at all -- considering the target audience, I think Suzanne Collins did an excellent job of writing this kind of story for the appropriate demographic.

Verdict: YAY

2. Katniss Everdeen

Malese Jow

Yeah yeah, I know there are casting rumors abound about how Jennifer Lawrence and Hailee Steinfeld are among the frontrunners for playing Katniss. Yeah yeah, I know with all the skills of make-up artists these days, you can easily get any of those girls to have "straight black hair, olive skin [and]... gray eyes." But whatever, this picture of Malese Jow (Vampire Diaries ftw!) is closest to how I imagined Katniss, and Malese totally looks like she'll shoot an arrow through your neck if you mess with her. Besides, I think it'd be neat to have a girl with mixed Chinese and Cherokee ancestry to play one of the hottest upcoming roles. Even Malese herself said in an interview, "I think the years the "Hunger Games" takes place, everyone is going be ethnically ambiguous. Everyone is going to have some exotic flavor to them."

But if not Malese, I want a newcomer who looks "ethnically ambiguous", because the Katniss I imagined as I was reading definitely had an exotic, futuristic vibe. Admittedly, Jennifer Lawrence and Hailee Steinfeld aren't quite doing it for me.

But anyways, back to Katniss herself.

I think I'm going to have to start a formal Pantheon of Badassery soon, with the King himself presiding, because Katniss would make the Badass One himself flush with pride. Katniss, where were you in my youth?? She is pretty much the embodiment of all the qualities of the heroine I aspired to be -- I'm having flashbacks of me at age 8 trying to make my own bow and arrow in the backyard (always wanted to be an Artemis-like archer), me at age 10 trying to climb every single tree I came across, me at age 13 wishing I had long straight hair instead of the poofy, naturally wavy kind that frizzes up. Not only that, Katniss and I are already pretty similar. We are not particularly beautiful (unless someone actually forces us to put on a dress and make-up) and we know it (and don't quite care), we are not particularly charming and don't really care about trying to win the hearts of the masses (unless it becomes a life or death situation), and we are both VERY CLUELESS about guys.

There's just one thing that bugs me.

You see, when you've got a heroine who is so close to my (desired) likeness, I can't help but put myself in her shoes. And the thing is, I cannot understand how she can magically become such a crowd-pleaser and convincing romantic -- even if the situation is life or death. I actually would have liked it if Collins wrestled with Katniss' inner thoughts about Peeta and the whole idea of pandering to an audience a little more. You see, I would absolutely DREAD trying to act mushy with a guy I had no interest in -- that's why a big chunk of my enjoyment at club parties is moot because of all the drunk guys who try to grind up on you -- but if it's someone I was actually attracted to, then it becomes much more bearable. And yeah, I'm not in a life or death situation -- but I still feel like Katniss would at least have some initial apprehensions about planting so many kisses on Peeta. Either that, or at least recognize that maybe she's been doling out so many kisses is because, deep down, she really kinda likes the guy.

But that's just a minor quibble.

Verdict: YAY

3. The Love Triangle of Bread and Meat

William Moseley

It's too late -- having read all the Peeta vs. Gale debates on foreveryoungadult.com, I was imaging William Moseley as Peeta the whole time I was reading the book. So there's no point in trying to get me on the Alex Pettyfer wagon.

I'm not going to dive into whole Team Croissant versus Team Bacon debate, because there's already an excellent debate at foreveryoungadult.com, and unlike Hollywood, I have no intention of messing with perfection by trying to come up with a remake. So go look it up there if you're bored and looking for some entertaining literary debates.

Honestly, you don't see Gale much in this first book, so I can't really say much about the love triangle. I'm going to withhold final judgment if/until I get around to reading the other two books. But my impression so far is that while Gale is ultimately the type of fictional guy I go for, Peeta is the better match for Katniss. His emotionality seems to balance out with her physicality.

Which poses some interesting questions for me. Because, if I identify with Katniss so much, does that mean I am better suited with someone like Peeta? And if that's the case, why do I go for the ones that are more like Gale?

But back to the book. The thing is, I have only read the first book, so I would say it's premature to make judgments, but I think the love triangle is pretty thinly drawn so far. Let's make the dreaded comparison to Twilight -- you've got Edward/Peeta, the dashing romantic who's been watching the heroine from afar. Then in the other corner you've got Jacob/Gale -- the longtime dark-haired and more physically fit friend. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to see that Katniss is going to end up with Peeta. The romantic wins again.

Do most love triangles follow this formula? Admittedly, my own pet project has a love triangle as well -- but it involves a dead girl, so I would say my case is exempt. Hmm... will have to ponder about this a little longer.

Verdict: withheld for now.

Overall: The first book of the series, The Hunger Games, is definitely a fast-paced and entertaining read. The heroine is a kickass mofo. However, don't expect to be brooding about the implications for future society or the darkness of human nature. This book is not meant to be a philosophical thought experiment.

flashback to sweet 16

I was walking Matisse around the neighborhood this afternoon. The air was cool and moist from the drizzle. The hills surrounding the valley were a lush shade of green, and the cherry blossoms and magnolias were beginning to bloom. As I walked past the children's playground at the neighborhood park, I was reminded of what had happened four years ago. It was there by the siren-colored jungle gym that I remembered the naive sixteen-year-old who had yet to realize that the beautiful boys wanted only the pretty girls, who had dreamt up the story as an escape that would consume the next four years of her life, who had discovered Nana O and began her gradual, subconscious transformation into the Ice Queen that people feared when they first met, who in spite of all this had thought she would at least experience a taste of the fairytale before she turned 20.

One month left.

The Love Letters

Goofy, my darling, hasn’t it been a lovely day? I woke up this morning and the sun was lying like a birthday parcel on my table so I opened it up and so many happy things went fluttering into the air; love to Doo-do and the remembered feel of our skins cool against each other in other mornings. - (Zelda to Scott, 1930)

You are not so far away that I can’t smell your hair in the drying breeze… - 1930

You phoned me tonight - I walked on those telephone wires for two hours after holding your love like a parasol to balance me. - (Zelda to Scott, Fall 1930)

The only sadness is the living without you, without hearing the notes of your voice… (Scott to Zelda, 1934)

Why should graves make people feel in vain? Somehow I can’t find anything hopeless in having lived - All the broken columns and clasped hands and doves and angels mean romances - and in an hundred years I think I shall like having young people speculate on whether my eyes were brown or blue … I hope my grave has an air of many, many years ago about it - Isn’t it funny how, out of a row of Confederate soldiers, two or three will make you think of dead lovers and dead loves. - (Zelda to Scott, 1919)

---------------
Zelda and F. Scott Fitzgerald's Love Letters. Reblogged from tumblr.

A part of the old Sophelia, now buried in ashen memories and forgotten blog posts, wanted that fantasy -- the poetic correspondence of two timeless lovers matched in beauty and eloquence.

O, how much I have changed in four years. Or how little, really.