Sunset

I saw you again; it felt like we had never met.
It's like the sun set in your eyes and never wanted to rise.
And what have you done with the one I love?
When I look into your eyes, I see no surprise.
 
I always thought it was a shame,
That we have to play these games.
It felt like you really knew me.
Now it feels like you see through me.

 -- "Sunset" by The XX

A close friend of mine called me last night. Her voice has a natural airy lilt that I've imagined the Daisy-Buchanan-esque socialites converse in as they sip their jewel-toned cocktails. Fluttery, rising upwards at the ends like kite tails. Someone who didn't understand English wouldn't have had the faintest idea that was she was calmly talking about her break-up with her boyfriend.

I'd chronicled the relationship since the earliest days. They met last year as first-year medical students, sharing a common interest in climbing. I saw the magnets coming together long before she was willing to admit the truth out loud. I still remember the exact date when she texted me that they had finally, officially put a label onto what they had. Boyfriend and Girlfriend.

Just a little under a year later, it's over. 

Night of the Hunter

Honest to God, I will break your heart

Tear you to pieces and rip you apart

-- "Night of the Hunter" by 30 Seconds to Mars

When you've kept the walls up for 23 years, you become very discerning about who you let in.

It scares me a bit to wonder how I appear to these people who really know nothing about me. Am I shy, intimidating, aloof, friendly? One girl I went Walmart shopping with asked me if I painted, and when I asked her why, she qualified it by saying I "looked artistic." I suppose she came to that conclusion either by the style of clothes I wear or by the photos on my Facebook profile. Artistic is a quality I will gladly take, but I wonder what else people have gleaned from my exterior appearances.

The girl who has become my exercise buddy here has become a popular target of affections, though she may not realize it yet. She is aware that I heard through the grapevine about a second year med student who kissed her at the block party, but she doesn't know about the classmate who's developed a crush on her. I've already begun collecting other people's secrets, and so far, I've been able to keep everything to myself.

The classmate with the crush doesn't realize I have heard about his affections for that girl. As a result, there's a strange subtext I can't ignore whenever we talk. Compared to the rest of my classmates, I talk to him very often. We joke with each other frequently. But is he using me to get closer to that girl? If that's the case, I can't help but feel a bit peeved.

It's a bit taxing, having to keep track of all of these threads and make sure you don't let things spill over. But we all know I live for drama. Other people's drama. Never mine.

Fall For Your Type, Remix

I know I've already posted the lyrics for two Angel Haze songs, but I am addicted to her stuff right now. She has some interesting remix covers of songs from all other genres (e.g. Castle on a Cloud, Same Love, Summertime Sadness, etc.) but what I really like about her are her lyrics. She chooses some really interesting words and phrases for her rhymes.

(Also, I personally think her flow is better than Iggy Azalea's...)

Below are the lyrics for her version of "Fall For Your Type," the Jamie Foxx/Drake song I've posted about before on this blog. I find her lyrics sooooooo much more interesting than Drake's for this song. 

---------------

 

you are an ocean's breeze, i am the tidal wave.

you are every paragraph, i am just a title page.

you have the heart i hold exactly where you desire it.

it's all so effortless, like what you did to acquire it.

each time i find it harder just to keep my composure.

i'm trying to show you all of me like indecent exposure.

i'll be the gun, you be my holster.

i need your love. i need you closer.

seems like forever when only an hour's passed.

we fallin' slower than grains of salt in an hourglass.

emotions running wild, you are who tames them.

my only means for tranquility; you my sanctum.

and if i could, i'd take your eyes and blend them in with the stars

so whenever we ain't together, i still see them from afar.

but that's insane, i'd do whatever to just to feel you.

even all of that don't come close to what i will do.

they say love holds the power to

fulfill you, heal you, kill you, hurt and abuse you

take away from you used to

i try to paint a picture like a canvas plane

to try to put words together like a Scrabble game.

i said i wouldn't stop until i said what i needed to, right?

alright, let's go.

look, i pour my heart out in an effort just to win you

and modify my actions solely so they won't offend you.

i mean, i would wrestle time even if it get rewinded.

everything you looking for in me is where you find it.

so you can stop your searching, baby.

i know you hurting, baby.

your self-esteem so low sometimes that you feel worthless, baby.

okay. you hide it well, but you know i can tell.

i see right through that bullshit that you be tryin' to sell.

so let it drop, let it fall, let it blow with the wind.

i told you once, told you twice, and imma tell you once again

that i'll be here. yes, i'll be here.

and if love is blind then my mental's clear.

and all we have is time and good intentions.

fuck your brake, fuck your suspension.

put your foot on that gas until you don't see your past.

yeah, i said drive until your vision blurred.

and let my voice tell our story; spoken words.

fuck 'em. let them hate me where they never was.

and fucking Shakespeare couldn't have wrote a better love.

but people tell me that i'm trippin' and i say you different.

and when they ask me how

i can't provide a description; you don't need one.

i will disconnect them all, like a broken joint.

just to prove i only see you like a focal point.

i know that distances may cause some complications.

but you make me feel good, fucked up, exonerated.

still, i wonder what you like beneath the shackles that you wearing.

i been longing to release you from a load that's overbearing.

tell me, are you protected by a guard, boo?

or could i blow and make it fall like cards do?

and i ain't interested 'til it involves you.

you got your doors locked and i just saw through.

you reached a height of loneliness 'cause we all do,

but everything that goes up gotta fall too.

Lament

"Everyone cares when it's too late."

The above is a quote I found yesterday on the Tumblr page of someone who killed himself weeks after publishing that post.

Before I go any further, I should probably backtrack and explain how I got there.

Yesterday afternoon, I'd just about snapped. I had sat through four consecutive lectures on spinal cords and radiographic anatomy, and as I drove myself home from school, I was overcome with a severe case of DGAF -- Done Giving a Fuck.

When I got home, I indulged on two snack-sized bags of Flaming Hot Cheetos, which temporarily made me happier but quickly sent me spiraling downward in fatty-guilt. I decided to browse the Internet, and somehow, I ended up on a forum site about Nana. There was no news about Ai Yazawa's health status, and I read some threads with people discussing how much they'd cried when Ren was killed off, or deliberating whether or not Nana and Ren were ideal for each other. It brought back memories of how Ren's death affected me in high school (yes, a fictional character can do that to you), and I played Anna Tsuchiya's "Kuroi Namida" to indulge in my somber mood. While on this forum site, I somehow stumbled across the name "FrankWolf" and looked him up on Google.

That's how I came across that Tumblr. That's how I learned about the young man who was known for his androgynous beauty in cosplay. That's how I read in a Yahoo Answers response that he had endured constant cyberbullying from people who spewed vitriol about his feminine looks and his cosplay hobby, until he could bear it no longer and took his own life.

Later that evening, I was at the gym with a friend, quizzing each other on anatomy while on the elliptical machines. While we were talking, I happened to glance up at the TVs on the wall and was shocked to see the same headline on CNN, Fox News, and ABC News. Robin Williams was found dead, presumably by suicide.

I can't remember how many of Robin Williams' movies I've seen. I recall him most clearly as the Genie in Aladdin and the English teacher in Dead Poets Society (O Captain, my Captain), but I can't claim that he had a significant impact on my life. Still, I was stunned to learned that he had been battling depression. It had never crossed my mind that someone like him could be struggling with depression, but then again, I should have already known that what people show on the outside often doesn't correlate with what's going on inside.

Today, I read an article with anecdotes about people's own battles with addiction and depression. Pieces of those stories reminded me of myself. I don't consider myself clinically depressed, but there are those moments when I lose complete motivation and feel as if I'm staring down into an abyss. That's how I felt yesterday afternoon. I'd already been feeling lonely about my lack of close friendships here, and as I sat in that lecture room and saw a whole year of memorizing body parts ahead of me, it all suddenly became too much for me to handle.

Today, I tried to turn things around. I let myself work on EP for an hour and a half after class before starting my studying. I studied for an hour at a time before giving myself a short break. I found this video during one of those breaks. It gave me some perspective and a much-needed kick in the rear. Whoever's out there, I hope it helps you too.

Deep Sea Diver

So, instead of sailing I live like a human parachute
The more I'm falling the further I am compared to you
It's like I'm stuck in the air, while you're pale and blue
Chasing clouds and hoping they lead a trail to you
See, we were deep sea divers
And I was focused on survival
And death does you part when you're focused on its rival
Defibrillator love, I'm just focused on revival

You could, you could put your hands in mine
And we'll walk through the sands in the sand of time
Until we paint the end of this love scene
Until I'm laid to rest in your blood stream

Until I hear the strings of your heart playing
Until I hear the things you are not saying
Until I find out what it really means
And hopefully it's everything it really seems

-- "Deep Sea Diver" by Angel Haze

And So It Begins

Today was my second day of class as a medical student. I can't believe it's only been two days. I already feel like I've been here forever.

Firstly, HOLY POMELO SO MUCH STUFF TO LEARN. We're on our first anatomy block, which also includes some embryology, which so far has been a pile of mumbo jumbo to me. On the plus side, however, these lecture classes are reminiscent of that organismal diversity I took at Duke where they literally threw mountains of information at you, and you had to memorize as much as possible. I got an A in that class without much stress, so hopefully the studying tricks I had for that class translate here.

We had our first anatomy lab today, so my hands have been reeking of formaldehyde all afternoon. I'd seen cadavers before today, but not gonna lie, I was still a little worried about how I'd feel about actually cutting the body. It really wasn't that bad. I wish I got to do more, but my lab group only had one scalpel.

On the social front, I'm still sort of flailing around. I've made friends here and there, but I haven't really grouped up or joined a clique yet -- which is probably a good thing in the long-run, but still stress-inducing when you walk in somewhere and don't know where to sit.

Also, I have a confession to make -- some recent conversations with multiple people made me very self-conscious of the fact that my friend-groups in high school and college haven't been very... shall we say, diverse? Unfortunately, that little detail has permeated my brain.

All in all, too early to give really any interesting or juicy updates. I'll probably be too busy to write much anymore. But you know me -- I like being kept busy, so hopefully I'll still be this upbeat a few weeks down the line when I have my first exam. Womp womp.