Liminality

As you may have noticed, my updates on this blog have been more sparse than usual.

I don't know why. I'm a little confused about myself at the moment. It is really complicated.

Let's put it this way. Does it make sense for somebody to talk about personal things on a website where anybody can read it? Does it make sense for a person to not say anything to friends and family when something is bothering her, and instead she vomits it cryptically all over the Internet?

I graduated from high school three days ago, and already it feels like it's been three years. I have no sense of purpose. Sometime in the past year, I lost everything. I lost my work ethic and my well-roundedness -- two things I once prided myself in. I don't write, I don't play piano, I don't play tennis. I sit in front of the computer all day doing nothing.

I don't know why I am avoiding everything either. I'm not sure if I'm burned out -- because that wouldn't explain why I avoid writing now. I haven't been blogging because for the first time in a long time, I am at a loss for words. When I used to write on this blog, I'd write because I would feel something. Whether it was despair or hope, there was something there that made me feel alive. And now, I feel like the life has been extinguished from me. I don't feel sadness or even anger. I just feel empty.

I've been thinking about this for the last few days now. I've come to the conclusion that the only way I can find myself again is if I force myself to sit down and write. Write anything. I don't even care if it's a stupid children's book about cute bunnies and puppies. I need to do something productive so I don't feel like a dormant sack of hydrocarbons.

Therefore, it may be a while before I return to this blog. I will post at least once before I leave for the motherland in July, but I don't expect to post semi-daily like I used to. There is too much weight in this blog. I don't want to forget, but I need to learn how to forgive myself for what I've done.