Phantom Limb

Phantom Limb - the illusion that a limb still exists after it has been amputated, sometimes with pain

Some nights, you'll wake up screaming. Your heart thuds against its cage, rattling all your bones until your whole body is aching. It was uncaged once, you know -- your heart, that is. It's impossible to lock something up inside once it has already tasted freedom. It becomes claustrophobic. You try to keep it safe but all it does is shrivel and wither until all you have is nothing but dust.

That's what it was like every night for me, you know. I'd close my eyes, recount how many nights I've drifted off to sleep with your voice in mind, saying my name again and again like a prayer. It's the voice that won't go away. Pounding in my head, like Metis hammering the helmet for Athena. But it wasn't wisdom that cracked open my skull and ripped reason and rationality into shreds.

I had to cut myself from you. Do you understand? I was sick, I was diseased. You were the one who infected me, caused all my former wounds, those ancient ruby lips to pucker and swell. I'd remember the last time the razor danced across skin like a ballerina en pointe, or an ice skater carving figure eights into the frosted surface of the ice. I'd remember the last time I allowed someone to find their way into my skin, lapping up the blood with a cat's darting tongue. A beautiful parasite. I was afraid that you would suck me dry.

I had to sever you from me. Do you understand? It was the only way. That's what I keep telling myself. It was the only way.