Sophelia and the Curious Case of the Heretical Imposter

The name's Sophelia. Just Sophelia. Like Madonna, or Prince, or Voldemort.

And no, that is not a picture of Posh Spice dressed like Carmen Sandiego on her way to a funeral. You must be imagining things.

I'm a private eye. Oh yes, literally -- no one has ever seen my eyes because I wear artfully tilted wide-brimmed hats like I assume you wear your undergarments each day. But more so figuratively -- for when I am not posing undercover as a self-loathing overworked college student, there I am being totally unnoticeable wearing a black leather trench coat in broad daylight as I rid the streets of sin.

This time, my latest case did not come pounding at my door urging me to please fold the laundry, nor did it flood my inbox with Facebook notifications telling me to go support so-and-so organization by eating at Panda Express between 6pm to 10pm. In fact, the circumstances of this case were quite surreptitious.

At approximately 9 pm PST, Sophelia sat at the kitchen table with her homework laid out in front of her. With her mother's laptop conveniently open nearby, Sophelia sought music to enhance her studying by browsing through the ranks of popular music videos on Youtube. After brief forays into Jay Sean's "Do You Remember" and an English rendition of Taeyang's "Wedding Dress", she stumbled upon a curious video.



Almost instantly, her visage contorted into a twisted amalgamation of shock and horror as her eyes shot up in flames upon witnessing the heretical imposter. The hair. The clothes. The eyeliner. Who, may you ask, has become victim to such an atrocious plundering of identity?

[PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT// The Surgeon General would like to remind you that it is not safe to look directly into the sun, lest you desire a sizzling retina. It would be best to look at the following photograph with a sidelong glance. //END PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT]

And now for a message from Godot:

"Foolish mortals!! See my all-powerful Finger of Condemnation? Only He who is the one and only T.O.P. can wield the Finger of Condemnation! Not like this snotty little heretic who can only unleash a hundredth of the awesomeness when he wields the Finger at 1:38 in the abominable music video.

And my hair!
This hair, you mortal fools, is not a fashion trend to be trifled with, to be mimicked with a stock of hair gel in the comfort of thy family bathroom! This aerodynamic crown is the sign of He who is the king of all things Badass with a capital B!

And finally, if thou must emulate the Lord of All Things Badass, please pass the memo along to thine consorts who seem to have fondness for lady garments. While eyeliner may enhance the beauty of our eyes, we do not venture any further into female territory, lest we desire to have our manhood be questioned any further.

This, my fools, is how it's done. And do not forget: thou shall not have false idols before me, for I AM THE ONE AND ONLY IDOL THAT IS T.O.P.!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"

With the Idol's last words rattling ominously in her head, Sophelia thus opened her latest case: who is the Imposter? As the Private Eye turned to her search engines, within minutes she had narrowed the suspects down to the four members of F.Cuz, who had each apparently undergone drastic makeovers for their music video -- to disguise the guilty one, no doubt.

Jinon - the Leader with the Wannabe Taeyang Haircut

LeeU - the Pastel Offspring of Spock

Kan - the Tall One that is Too Beautiful

Ye Jun - the Normal (and Unremarkable) Looking One

Oh, of course the case was not closed so easily, for none of the four portraits had the slightest resemblance to the Imposter. Sophelia realized there was no other option: it soon became a matter of scouring through the comments of the video in order to identify the members of the quartet. Fortunately for Sophelia, two of the members had conveniently dyed their hair blond; she could deduce that the Tall One that is Too Beautiful and the Normal (and Unremarkable) Looking One were out of the running. She was thus left with two suspects -- the Leader with the Wannabe Taeyang Haircut and the Pastel Offspring of Spock.

Time was running out. It was past Sophelia's bedtime, and no answer seemed to leap into sight. Neither suspect looked anything like the Imposter. Alas, in the end Sophelia theorized that Pastel Offspring of Spock had decided to spite his father's bowl cut by styling his hair with galactic glue, thus creating the sacred crown of Badassness to the great displeasure of the Badass One. And so, the Private Eye went to bed like she should have done two hours ago.

CASE CLOSED.