Three Simple Rules in Life
1. If you do not go after what you want, you will never have it.
2. If you do not ask, the answer will always be no.
3. If you do not step forward, you will always be in the same place.
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i've seen you five out of the past seven days--i even wrote a post about it but then i deleted because then i remembered that there are people who have found this blog that i don't want to know about what i'm hiding behind the poker face i put up every time they mention your name.
i was walking past the chapel on the way to the bus stop after i got off work, and i was thinking of how she told me that one rumor about you, and i thought to myself that whatever initial burn i had felt in my core was completely gone--patched, frozen, glacial, woot congratulate myself with a pat on the back for successfully turning off my emotions yet again. but then i saw the back of you eating that sandwich at the bus stop and i thought to myself, what sick god does this to me. what kind of god is cruel enough to make you appear before me like some sicko waving a bottle of whiskey in front of the face of a recovering alcoholic. and i stood there behind you, frozen and unsure of what to do, and then i remembered that stupid inspirational photo somebody posted on FB this morning about the three simple rules of life, and i thought to myself, what happens if i go after something and i can't get it anyway? what if i ask, and the answer is no? what happens if i take a step forward and find myself in some shithole i should have never stepped foot in the first place? and so i stood yards away behind your back and at some point when we got on the bus it was unavoidable that we were aware of each other's presence but you didn't look at me when i looked at you and who knows maybe you looked at me when i looked away. the fucking point of the matter is that even if there is something there i can't bring myself to push any further when i hear the rumors already. i'm not the steadfast tin soldier who can sail through sewage and burn in fire for a wisp of a paper love. i'm not the little mermaid who can watch in silence as the prince marries the princess. give me a life ring or just let me drown.
