The Case Against Snow White

... or maybe I do know.


Can anyone guess why I have a problem with Snow White and the Seven Dwarves?

I am under the impression that almost everyone is familiar with the Disney versions of fairytales and almost nobody is familiar with the original versions written by the Brothers Grimm and Hans Christian Andersen. Very few people are aware that the original Little Mermaid actually dies because she loves the prince too much to kill him; likewise, very few people know that in the original version of Snow White, the girl is only seven years old when her jealous stepmother orders to have her killed.

I mean, really? Hello, she's the effing queen! Why in the world would she be jealous of a seven-year-old?

Of course, Disney could not have their Snow White be a seven-year-old, because the idea of a grown prince whisking a little girl off into the sunset has all sorts of pedophilic implications. So while Disney gave her the body of a seventeen-year-old (though as you can see, she doesn't have much of a rack), her brain remained at the level of a seven-year-old.

So anyways, the film begins with the Queen, aka Vanity Incarnate, with her magic mirror. For a woman who cares so much about being the fairest one of all, she certainly doesn't dress like she cares. You would think she'd show a little more skin and dress a little sexier, so then maybe that nonexistent King and husband of hers would actually show up in the movie for even a second.

But I digress.

We all know what happens. The magic mirror tells the Queen, "Yes dear, you are getting old and now your stepdaughter is way hotter than you." And of course, the Queen is in denial and refuses to accept the fact that everybody grows old.

Then the scene cuts over to Snow White, dressed in rags and scrubbing the palace steps -- never mind that she looks like she hasn't worked a day in her life. As she refills her bucket in the well, she starts singing a rather repetitive song about how she's wishing for the one she loves to find her. Lo and behold, guess who shows up with the most perfect timing? By golly, it must be an authentic wishing well after all!


No, James Marsden is not Snow White's prince. As you can see, Prince Charming shows up a grand total of two times in the movie -- all he does is serenade Snow White for about a minute and then does his princely duty of kissing a sleeping girl -- which means I could not find a single picture of only Prince Charming on Google or Yahoo. Instead, a bunch of pictures of James Marsden popped up as an image result -- thus, I have chosen this fine picture instead. Very princely indeed.

Now, I really have a problem with this prince. For starters, what do we really know about this chump? Firstly, how do we even know he's a prince? Oh, okay -- the textual interlude tells us he's a prince. But how would Snow White know? All he does is sing an equally repetitive song:

One Song
I have but one song
One song
Only for you

One heart
Tenderly beating
Ever entreating
Constant and true

One love
That has possessed me
One love
Thrilling me through

One song
My heart keeps singing
Of one love
Only for you

I don't know, Prince Charming. It sounds to me as if you're trying to convince yourself that monogamy is the right way to go.

And that's it. We never learn his name, his zodiac sign, his kingdom, what kind of music he listens to, nothing. All we know is that this guy has a white horse and a deep baritone voice. And of course, Snow White falls head over heels for him in an instant -- but all she does is hide behind the window curtain and giggle.

Meanwhile, the Queen orders Humbert the huntsman (no joke! Wikipedia knows all) to murder Snow White and bring back her heart in a jewelry box.

Look! Even Humbert has a picture, unlike that silly prince!

Humbert must be the only decent human being in this story. The king is nonexistent and has no control over his psycho cannibal wife; the wife is a deranged female Narcissus; Snow White is a child trapped in a woman's body; the prince is a creeper. Leave it to Humbert to take pity on Snow White and tell her to run away. The Queen, unbeknown to her, dines on a pig heart for dinner instead.

I have to admit, I'm getting a little tired of summarizing this fairytale. So instead let's just skip the scary scene when Snow White runs into the forest, and let's cut straight to the dwarves.

Last summer, for my Writing class at Stanford, I researched fairytales and wrote my final paper on the discrepancies between the original fairytales and their Disney counterparts. There have been plenty of sexual interpretations in regards to the relationship between Snow White and the seven dwarves -- for instance, the ambiguous nature of Snow White's relationship with the dwarves is symbolic of her maturation and gradual sexual awakening -- but this isn't a scholarly post, so I don't feel the need to delve into all that juicy critical analysis. Feel free to look up that stuff yourself.

I've got nothing against the dwarves. All seven of them combined pretty much is the equivalent of the affectionate elderly grandfather who is an ex-Doc, sometimes grumpy, sometimes happy, sneezy, bashful, sleepy, and when old age kicks in, a little bit dopey. And I'm not sick enough to venture into all those perverted Snow White/seven dwarves jokes, so let's just move on, shall we?

Meanwhile, the Vanity Incarnate is spending time in front of her mirror again, and to her great surprise, she is not the fairest one of all, for Snow White is alive and well inside the dwarves' cottage! Instead of rationalizing reasonably with herself, "Hey, now that Snow White lives in the middle of the wilderness, no one will ever see her! She's as good as dead!" -- the Queen decides that her only option is to drink a potion that turns her into an ugly witch in order to trick Snow White into eating a poisonous apple.


Um... weren't you just obsessing over being the fairest one of all? Why would you purposely make yourself ugly and creepy looking? Everyone knows if you really want a teenage girl to eat an apple, you change yourself into this:

Anyways, clearly the Queen has no brains. So the ugly witch travels down to the cottage to visit her lovely stepdaughter. Snow White, who clearly has no brains either, welcomes the witch into the cottage and totally believes the witch's spiel about her magic "wishing apple." This girl would totally be clicking ads all over the Internet if she lived in today's world. And so, Snow White takes a bite and collapses, cueing all the storm clouds to suddenly hover over the forest and cause a thunderstorm.

Meanwhile, the dwarves have been alerted by the animals of the Queen's menancing advances towards Snow White, and the final showdown begins. Once again, we are shown that Snow White was not born with a brain, because the dwarves, who have never even met her stepmother before, instantly realize that the nasty old lady is the Queen. And so they chase the old hag up a cliff; the witch comes up with a clever plan about mowing down the dwarves with a boulder and starts cackling her head off when a lightning bolt strikes the edge of the cliff, causing the witch to tumble to her demise.

The dwarves, who cannot bear to bury Snow White, decide to keep her in a glass coffin where she will obviously still look very beautiful as she decomposes. Of course, this doesn't occur to the dwarves, and they don't suspect anything when Snow White continues to look exactly the same for two seasons and no foul odors begin to stink up the forest.

And then, guess who pops up for the second time in the movie?

Yum. And so the necrophiliac Prince returns on his white horse. Naturally, he walks over to the coffin and kisses the girl who has supposedly been dead for months, and then he bows his head in a gesture of grief.

But lo and behold, it is a magic wishing apple after all! Snow White flutters her eyelashes and awakes. Without a word, the prince picks up his new prize and, with the blessings of the animals and the dwarves, carries her off into the sunset on his white horse. And of course, they live happily ever after, and little girls everywhere begin to believe that being a damsel in distress is the right way to go.

Which I find incredibly misguided. Firstly, the Prince is hardly a hero in this story. You know who's the hero here? The thunderbolt that hit the cliff and indirectly killed the Queen. Score for Mother Nature. The dwarves set a bad example to parents who leave their children at home unattended, and I would hardly call kissing a girl while she's sleeping a heroic act.

Alright, I'm sure some people who love this story are probably pissed and accusing me of taking fairytales too seriously. But I do give credit where it's due, and I give credit to Snow White and the Seven Dwarves for being the first animated feature film from Disney and for paving the way to much better movies like Beauty and the Beast.

And now, I should REALLY get back to work.