Letter from an Upset Swine

Dear Editors,

A prominent government head once said, “Times like these, dark times, they do funny things to people. They can tear them apart.” This man, who devoted his life to bringing equality to those regarded by society as inferior beings, spoke of an entirely different global crisis, but his words still ring true today.

We are living in dark times. The economy has gone down the toilet. April marked the deadliest month in the Iraq War. The San Jose Sharks were eliminated from the first round of the Stanley Cup playoffs. And as if the situation wasn’t bleak enough, an influenza outbreak has caused the entire world to turn their backs on a certain cute, curly-tailed species.

Last week, the government of Egypt ordered the slaughter of all 350,000 pigs in the country. To compensate the swine owners’ loss as a result of this atrocious mass murder, the government is offering 180 dollars per pig.

Is that all my life is worth? 180 dollars? My kin and I are sacrificed, not to be digested warmly and cozily in a human’s stomach, but to supposedly impede the spread of a virus that hasn’t even been reported in Egypt yet. At a time when food prices continue to rise, the amount of food going to waste is unthinkable.

Picture the classic American breakfast: pancakes, hash brown potatoes, scrambled eggs and – most important of all – your choice of bacon, sausage or ham. Now picture a rosy pink, 400 pound pig. This little piggie produces 2,000 strips of bacon. And finally, picture 700,000,000 strips of bacon incinerating under the Egyptian sun.

Pigs are not bioterrorists, capable of wiping out the human race. Babe, Piglet and Wilbur would never harm a fly (or spider). Though we may not be able to compete in ice hockey or invest in the stock market, we have our own rights and dignity too.

In these dark times, it is your people’s duty to uphold the principles of equality and protect the rights of those that your society views as inferior beings. Arthur Weasley, the speaker of the aforementioned quote, still worked relentlessly to protect the rights of Muggles during the Dark Lord’s return. Why shouldn’t you do the same?

Signed,
An Upset Pig