Catharsis and Purging

I.

Hello my name is Sophelia. Do you see this brand on my forehead? It says "Reject." That's right -- look at those six letters. It's just six etches and scratches that can amount to something colossal.

I don't understand why they bother making the rejection letter so clean and flowery. Is that supposed to make me feel better? I don't want that beautifully crafted bullshit. Pick a weapon. I don't care -- an axe, a knife, an ice pick. Why don't you just show me some mercy and finish me off? That's right, Sophelia. Your essay was terrible; it was obvious your teachers think you're a cold, uninterested, withering, pathetic excuse for a student. Even my grandmother could surpass you in your lackluster extracurriculars. 4.0 GPA? Yeah, you're one of 2,700. Special, huh? The truth is, you would disgrace our fine institution. So thanks for the application fee, and good luck with the rest of your life. With luck, you'll be rinsing out the toilet bowls at our fine institution in the future.

II.

But really, why does it all matter? Because it doesn't. Why did I apply in the first place? Why did I apply to the summer program in the first place? Did I rationalize with myself, convincing myself that I love the school? I still remember that right at the beginning, back when my mother wanted me to apply to the summer program, I was thinking that Stanford was too close to home. Eight weeks later, I started saying that I was reluctant to leave California because I love the weather. Which I do. But was I trying to justify everything in order to please people? In the end, did I just go in a full circle as I tried to appease others?

I don't know the answer to any of these questions.

And it is ridiculous for me to compare myself to my fellow classmates. My goodness, we are people just like anyone else sane and not suffering from application anxiety in the world. It is impossible to compare people -- "Oh, my mom is better than yours." Why do we still insist that someone is "better" than someone else? And even though I know this, I still catch myself in the trap of comparing myself to the others -- "No way. How come HE didn't get rejected?"

My mother, while she was trying to console me, said that when she visited one of the temples in Tainan, the people there (who do a lot of fortune-telling and horroscope stuff) said that she was told that if I wanted to study at the best university for me, I would have to travel far away from home. I really don't know what to feel about this. First of all, I already know that the effectiveness of a fortune depends on how creatively one can interpret it to match his/her circumstances. I could easily interpret this as, "Oh, it wasn't written in my fate." But what fate? I'm descended from ancestors who believe that all things happen for a reason -- I was not accepted because my future awaits me on the east coast. Plus, now that I have been rejected, moving to the east coast suddenly doesn't look so bad. Again, is it just another example of justifying everything to make things right?

III.

I spent nearly three hours talking to Storm. I was feeling like shit, and for some reason, I impulsively turned to him. I've never understood why we can talk so liberally with each other -- even back when I was still in middle school and he was in high school, we talked about stuff I rarely told any of my own friends at school. And even today, when I rarely see him and we have almost nothing in common, I told Storm about the rejection and he told me about his new lady with relative ease. I don't know. Really.

The past is past. To the me currently sitting here at 2:30 am, Storm is the older brother I have idly wished for in the briefest of daydreams.

IV.

I remember writing about how strong Sandra carred herself after her second attempt with in vitro failed.

I must do the same.

I need to rest this weekend, for I am emotionally exhausted. But come Monday, like Sandra, I will march forth with life. Que sera sera. It is not the end of everything. It is only the beginning.

[To those of you lucky enough to read this and know what happened: I would greatly appreciate it if you did not spread this around freely, because nobody likes having everyone know you've been turned down. And I would also greatly appreciate it if you don't share this post with others -- otherwise, I will shut this site down if I notice more and more people are reading these presentations.]