Despite the increasing number of Christmas decorations I see in my neighborhood or the busy discussions about Christmas presents that I overhear at school, it doesn't seem like the holiday spirit has really sunken in.
After all, any senior at my high school who submitted an early app to colleges is probably losing sleep over the fact that early decisions are announced in less than a week, finals are in a week, Christmas shopping needs to be done, and there are plenty of other apps to complete should a rejection letter arrive next week.
The strange thing is, I have been relatively indifferent to college decisions until today. It's not that I had forgotten -- AJ conveniently whips around in the middle of AP Stats every day to exclaim "December 15!!!!! AHHHHH!!!!" (As it turns out, he didn't realize until much later that his Cornell decision comes out on the 11th, so ha-ha.) After I submitted my application to Stanford, I pretty much forgot all about it. After all, the rest is up to luck and the mysterious creatures known as Admissions Officers. The only thing left to do is pray. And seeing how I am not religious, during my mom's trip to Taiwan a few weeks ago, she and the relatives did a lot of praying.
I even received a necklace with a golden Zhongzi (sweet rice in bamboo leaf) on it. Why? The Chinese are really into all the homophone stuff, so the sound "zhong" can also mean earn/win/achieve. Haha.
Plus, I'd already resigned myself to the fact that my chances are not very promising. The Pseudo-College-Counselor-Lady already informed me that Stanford rejects a ton of students from the Bay Area; Ms. J herself even growled some not-so-pleasant things about the Stanford admissions officers. Not to mention the fact that many of the top students at our school in previous years were rejected. I figure I might have a little more going for me -- since I stayed there for eight weeks after all, I can probably write a little more about why I want to go. But still. I really have no idea how much good it can do for me.
Somebody needs to study admission officers and write a book about their behavioral tics -- I'm sure it'll make an instant millionaire out of you. But I digress.
The reason why I say I have been relatively indifferent until today is for one reason. Yes, another stupid dream.
It was a rather vague dream, but I remember one thing very clearly. I was handed my decision letter, printed on poor quality paper with the ink bleeding through. I could kind of already read through the paper. I opened up the letter. Somehow, I innately knew it was a rejection letter even though nowhere on it did it say "reject." All it said was, "You are confused." And I remember that after I realized I had been rejected, I felt extremely depressed.
When I woke up, that was when I realized, "Holy shit! The decisions are coming out!" Because really, I haven't pondered about how I will feel when I find out. It was during that dream that I realized the two extreme emotions possible -- either I would be ecstatic ("HAHAHA WHAT NOW??!!!") or miserable ("Reject? Who else is going to reject me next?").
With my "awakening" (hahaha I am so clever. what a cute pun.), I am now suddenly dreading to know. I may be dying of curiosity, but because nothing has been finalized and cemented, I can still be blissfully ignorant.
So after sharing my revelation with G this morning, she told me that my old friend Lucille (yes, that was the name she gave herself when we started the whole Rose/Juliet letters thing and she wanted to join) had vowed not to find out whether she was accepted to Yale or not until after she finishes all her other regular decision apps. Very logical, in my opinion. So I have decided I will do the same.
I think I'll die a little more slowly rather finish myself off all at once. Agreed?
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