Rocketship Underpants

it's been kind of a down day. gloomy weather. also the day right after a midterm, which is usually when i have anxiety attacks and nightmares about how my scores turn out. also one of those days when i really start doubting myself about everything. for instance, whether not i'm going to fuck up one of my classes again like i've done each semester. or whether or not i'm pursuing a career path solely for doing the "safe" and "expected" thing. or whether or not my dream is going to continue to exist only in my head, or if i'm going to look back seventy years from now and regret not having made the most out of my life.

the advice of "following your heart" is probably the most bullshit advice anyone can give you. because whether you like it or not, your brain is going to tune in and tell you that you're being a selfish prick if all you do is think of your own desires. the heart craves instant gratification; the brain cautions otherwise.

i wonder, is suicide the biggest -- no, only concern when it comes to treatment for depression? is depression treatment solely for the sake of combating suicidal tendencies? is level of depression gauged by how near/far the subject is from contemplating taking his own life? is it any better for someone to have no suicidal thoughts at all but live his life in a constant state of misery? or is that the status quo, the default setting of being -- to live in a predominant state of discontent?

ignore my rambling. thanksgiving is right around the corner and i'm feeling exhausted -- but not suicidal, thank you very much. for the record, despite my emo/morbid tendencies, i have never ever come close to having suicidal thoughts. you never forget the first death in your life, and i've never forgotten her, and how that November night eight years ago, her father took their lives away before taking away his own, and how she'd never grow up, never go through the rebellious teenage years of middle school, never worry about high school letter grades, never worry about high school prom dates, never fail her first driving test, never fall in love in a way that shakes up her entire world, never do any of the things that i complain about without ever once registering the fact that all of these failures are proof that i am still living and breathing here on this earth.