If you couldn't tell from recent posts, I just went through another bout of depression last week. And when I mean depression, I mean the periods of time when I feel very unhappy with everything about myself, very pessimistic about the future, and all I want to do is escape the world, the society and its prescribed system.
There are multiple causes I could probably pinpoint. One of which was that I'd let myself become delusional about a boy again, so yesterday I resolved to sever myself from paying so much attention to that one unwary person, even if it would leave me with the phantom limb. Another is that the events of the last week of my winter break had still left me in a vulnerable state. I feel like I am more sensitive about my friendships than ever -- I am now hypersensitive to how my friends behave -- are they ignoring me? Neglecting me? Annoyed by me? Can I trust this person? Am I ignoring this person? Am I being a bad friend? And quite simply, my depression may have also stemmed from the fact that I just don't like having to study again in this pressure-cooker environment. I also think that reading Girl, Interrupted for my Pathologizing Race and Gender class made me more acutely aware of all my unhappiness, since I think part of happiness is being able to forget about your inherent state of gloom.
Anyways, there is news I want to share. It's supposed to be a secret though, so I'm trusting that those of you who know me in person will not go around sharing this with other people. The fact that you even know about this blog (especially after I changed the url) is proof of just how much I trust you.
I'd been doing rush events for the past two weeks for a sorority. Originally, I had no interest in sororities -- because honestly, those of you who know me in person -- can you see me in one? I abhor obligatory socializing and small talk. I grew up as a tomboy and even now I hate nail polish and I don't particularly enjoy doing "girly" social events like baking together. One of the reasons I rushed was because a good friend of mine was doing it.
Even as I was rushing, I didn't know if I wanted to do it. A part of me was still struggling with the fact that I had NEVER seen myself as that sort of girl. The other thing is that when you join a group of girls like that, people automatically make judgments about you. And as someone who actually cares a lot more about how people see her than she wants to admit, I wasn't sure if I was comfortable with being pigeon-holed as the "sorority girl." I mean, Sophelia -- the cynical and sarcastic girl who has always prided herself for following the toot of her own horn? No way. My close high school friend even told me when I was talking to her about this, "You were the last person out of all our friends that I would have expected to rush for a sorority."
But why did I keep going? The reason I give to people is that I want to expand my social circle, network with other girls beyond Duke, and challenge myself to get out of my comfort zone. Sounds very moving and all, right?
I haven't told anybody, but I think the underlying reason goes deeper than that. I haven't even sorted it out coherently myself, so I won't expand on that here.
In any case, I just received a bid for the sorority this afternoon. I have to make my decision by midnight, and although I'm not supposed to tell anybody about this, I wouldn't have even if they hadn't told me so. I like keeping people in the dark, especially the poor friend who has been agonizing for weeks over whether or not I want to join the sorority with her. But I've always been that kind of person. I've kept my secrets to myself and I don't like being the topic of conversation. Inevitably if I accept the bid, I will become a topic of conversation. People will start judging me, whether good or bad.
It scares me like you wouldn't believe. But I think I'm going to accept the bid.
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